Colours

So...

Are you familiar with those days where you seem to be colourless? Of course, not in a literal sense...that would bend reality.

I mean when you're just not all there. You cant make conversation, you lack a certain...mojo.

Grey days, perhaps. Life's happening in black and white, and for no particular reason, your moods just off.

At the other end of the scale there are bright days. When you wake up right, everything goes fine and its just a 'good day'. Again, for no obvious reason.

It's an interesting phenomena really. I dont know why theres often such a big swing. Im not sure I often have 'in the middle' days. I'm either in a good mood or a not good mood. And its not usually because of something happening...its just the way it is.

This was brought on for 2 reasons; 1, I'm tired of grey days. And 2, the song 'Colourful' by The Verve Pipe came on random today. I love that song to bits, and I've played it quite a lot. I recorded it today, so see below.

Whats peculiar is that this song is not worship, its clearly about a girl, but I sing it as worship. Theres bits in there about someone believing in you when no-one else does, and how that person will love you whether you are 'colourful' or 'grey'. I don't know, I guess thats how I feel God see's me sometimes.

Here's to some brighter days *raises glass*

The scariest thing about this video, beyond the horrible strings, is how much I've inherited my dads guitar frown. Dear me...

Oh look, it's late. My brain feels like spewing.

When I started these blogs they were a very regular occurrence. Not so much anymore.

I seem to have lost interest in being interesting lately. (Note: This is not to say I consider my self more interesting than the average person, no arrogance intended. I'm perfectly happy being as interesting as anyone finds me. If thats "really boring and dull" then get a job, stop reading the blogs of boring people.

Anyway...

There are many frustrating things about working for a church. MANY. Here, though, is what I have found to be the worst thing: I haven't sat down to read my bible for personal studying etc in...well, I couldn't tell you how long.

When being a Christian is your "job" it seems to become second nature that you leave "work" and...don't really carry on working.

It's really tragic. I had a youtube account for a while. With actual videos. Of me talking. I watched a couple tonight (I removed them from the internets but still have them on the computer), and other than just being a bit weird it made me realise how much I have changed in the short short space of about 10 months. I seemed so confident in my analysis of different things...I feel like I'm back to square one these days.

Oddly, I quite like that. I'm not a fan of being the one with answers. I really enjoy being able to say "look...I really don't know."

For a long time my faith has been based on the simple matter that Jesus died for me...thats quite enough. I don't need to know much else...I don't have to have the answers to creation vs evolution, predestination, whether heaven has a burger stand...it's not important to me. Except the burger thing.

I think throughout my life, even in the darkest times, the foundations of my faith have been there. The firm belief that God is there...and he's huge. I'm not sure I've ever turned my back on him, but I have wandered aimlessly away. Like the little lad who see's an ice cream van in the park and bolts, forgetting he needs mum to go with, cause she has the money to pay for the cornetto.

Ok, that was a ridiculous metaphor, but it makes perfect sense in my head so we'll go with it.

I guess this is just a mass rambling thats ultimately saying...I'm a bit lost. I'm disillusioned with youth work. Or more accurately what it takes to be a 'proper' youth worker. Genuinely, I just want to help kids. I don't want money or a big house. I just want to help. But apparently I need a degree for that. And so far, I'm pretty sure I was better off personally to help before I had a degree course turning me into a robot.

I'm a fast typer though, so swings & roundabouts...

I miss that feeling...the genuine happiness at everything. Its been replaced once again with cynicism and selfishness.

So, God...I know you read my blog. Get rid please & help me just 'be' again.

P.S. The sun's awesome. Keep it up.

-------------------------------------------------

There you go. A true headmash, if ever I saw one.