Some cryptic to decode...

I miss swimming.

Before I moved to London I swam quite alot, down here I just dont have the time/energy/money for it, as the only nice pool's anywhere near me require gym membership.

Tonight, I'm thinking about what it was like learning to swim. At what point to you start to venture out into the water where your feet no longer touch the floor? When do you decide to take the arm bands off and trust that you'll float?

Was there a fear that when you get to a certain point in the pool, you'll just sink?

I've been wading around the shallow end for a few months. Last night it was time to venture into deeper water. Cant spend your entire life with a rubber ring can you? Honestly, I'm pretty terrified of sinking. I'm scared that if I stop kicking, then nothing will keep me afloat. Then I remember, if i just relax, and trust that the bodies buoyancy will keep me above water, no matter how deep it is. Last night it was time to relax and trust my heart instead of my head for once. And what do you know...even though I genuinely have no idea where I'm going...I havn't sunk yet = ]

Now, if I just have the patience to not...start...kicking!

Long days...

Not much to say about today! Left the house at 10, was home briefly for lunch and for dinner, and just got home after finishing 10 minutes ago! (10pm) Made all the more wonderful by a 10am-5pm day tomorrow (Saturday is usually my day off...you have to love the Christmas fair...)

However, I was listening to this earlier today. It's quite probably my favorite song of worship, and I wanted to share its words. Plenty of truth in them about where i've come from and where I hope to go in these words, genuinely love them. Enjoy!

"I asked you for life,
And you sent your Son to die for me.
I asked you for hope,
You came in the night and gave me a dream.
I asked you freedom,
You broke every chain, and gave me the key.
I asked you for love never-ending,
and every day you surround me.

And now my faith in You is a mountain that cant be shaken,
Now my strength is found in You, it is joy that cant be taken!

Praise spills from my lips! Flowing on to the feet of you my King!
And you deserve all the love and all the honour that I can bring.

Here is my song, here is my heart, here is my love, all for you Jesus!"


The days can be long and the work can be hard, but dont forget to praise him. Its too good to miss out on = ]

And I can promise you, the long days are worse if they arent for God!

What a day...

Lectures shouldn't do this to my emotions.

Lectures are boring. They are for sitting down and being talked at for 7 hours about youth work practice and stuff.

Apparantly noone told our theology lecturer this term. Today it peaked.

Our lecturer is flat out awesome. We've had about 7 days with him this term, each time I've been challenged or enlightened about some theological principle or theme. We've covered soteriology (study of salvation), eschatology (end times), christology (Jesus), pneumatology (the holy spirit), creation & trinity. My mind has genuinely been blown. He's (very randomly I add) prophesied over several people in the group, opened new understandings, and just in general he teaches with such amazing spirituality its impossible not to learn.

Today just broke new ground for our group though. We were split up into 3 groups, and we spent about 2 hours reading Psalm 23.

Now, I've read that scripture many, many times in my life. It's beautiful, really it is. But in our groups of 6, we were told to read it as a group (a verse each) over and over and over. Then, have different people in the middle of the group and speak those verses too that individual. Then take small parts of the scripture and pray for the spirit to let us know what needed to be communicated specifically with that person 'in the middle'. It's amazing how 'alive' the Bible becomes when you really let it...Like I say, its a passage I've read loads, but after today I see it with such deeper understanding and 'fondness'.

It doesnt sound at all special, I know, but it was incredible. As a group, we can be very skeptical, and even more cynical, so starting this off there was a general air of "well this is a waste of a morning".

2 hours later, the majority of people in the room had shed more than a few tears. Stuff had been brought up that had been buried deep inside people for years as you could almost see people letting go of things they've been holding onto, rather than giving to God to sort out. There are some guys on my course who've gone through a huge amount. It makes me feel immensely lucky to have had the upbringing i've had. And it was some of these guys who started to drop the barriers they'd put up, and what might have been years of stored up emotion started to flood out.

In our group, I was praying for a girl who lost her mum 4 months ago. It's very rare that this happens for me, but just before i started praying for her, I felt that overwhelming feeling that was I was about to say was what God wanted her to hear. It broke me half way through praying, I dont even know why, they are words I have used before, but for whatever reason the emotion became to much and I ended up crying too.

It would have looked quite interesting to someone who hadnt been in the room for the previous hour and a half to see 19 adults, standing in three circles, conversing varieties of 'he anoints you with oil...WAHHHHHHHHHHH *sniff*' etc etc.

My words would never be able to do it justice, but it was a special morning.

From this point on, I spent the day considering my own faith. How much do I rely on God?

You see, I'm trying SO hard to make him everything that I am. I want to let go of everything and just live in Him, but I cant get there. I read Matthew 17, where the disciples couldnt heal the demon posessed boy, and Jesus comes over and says something like "your faith sucks, thats why you couldnt heal him" and then something else along the lines of "if you only had faith, you could tell a mountain to get up and move, and it would happen".

I lack that so much. So much of me wants to be there...and even though I ask him on a daily basis to help me get closer to that, I'm still so far away.

When I think about it, I KNOW he will always be with me, I KNOW he will look after me, I KNOW he will work in my life the way he wants to...

..but its not enough...I want more! I want faith that can move mountains, I want faith that will fire up my eyes when I tell someone that Jesus loves them. I want faith that makes me want for NOTHING other than his glory.

Ultimately, this doesnt mean giving up life. It doesnt mean ignorning relationships, diet or personal hygiene etc...what it does mean is that I've not yet reached the point where I'd be ready to give up everything I have on this earth to follow him if he called me to.

I guess my overwhelming thought tonight is, if days like today dont do it, what needs to happen for me to get there?

Satudays!

I love them = ]

My head can't handle it!!!

Indescribable blessings.

Unfathomable greatness.

Inexplicable beauty.

Amazing grace.

A warning to the wise...dont you DARE even think about underestimating Jesus...

It's going to be a special day = ]

Enough is enough...

Nothing like a stroll in the numbing cold of November to clear the mind...!!

Countless times I end up in the same situation. Life gets better...I get sloppy...and before I know it I'm having a bad day and have to make a change. Maybe not a U-turn, not so dramatic, but at least a noticeable bend.

What annoys me about it, is that I KNOW exactly how it goes. And i've gone through this cycle enough times to know it can be avoided if i get my act together.

What stops me reading my bible? What stops me praying? What stops me woshipping? Nothing but my own disregard for said things, and a large amount of distractions.

I've had a very lethargic couple of days. Nothing bad has happened, but I know when i'm happy, and I just havn't been smiling as much for a couple of days. And it's so stupid cause I know what it takes. I know where my heart needs to be, and it's not been there.

I'm at my happiest, in my best moods, and in my most blessed points in life when I focus on what I'm supposed to. How could I be so utterly stupid as to focus on anything else?

So, it's time to bring it back. God WILL be my all, and its about time I kept it that way. It's time to stop worrying about things like my last post. When it comes down to it, stuff like that wont matter when i'm in heaven. Not that I dont care about it now, I really do, but God is bigger...

Maybe, as he so often does, the direct concequences of making God the middle of everything will be that he continues to bless me with stuff that I cannot even hope to repay him for.

He blows my mind. He Really does.

P.S. Off topic photo of the day...















My dinner! I cooked too much again but its awesome. I dont care what you say, I'm an awesome chef...

If I go down, you are most definately coming with me...

My brain starts to think too much at 2am. I'm not sure why. Maybe its the same for a lot of people, and maybe this is why I find myself having the deepest discussions with people late at night.

Whatever the reason, right now its 2:14am, I'm wide awake and, as is the norm at this time, I'm overthinking.

What am I overthinking? Ahhh many things I suppose. Nothing bad. On the contrary, I'm in a pretty good mood. A mad one, but good.

I'll tell you what my brain is doing. It's running back and forward, debating with itself the potential pro's and con's of bungee jumping.

But no, not the jumping off a high bridge bungee jump. I'm talking about big decision bungee jumping.

Think about it. I've never done it myself, but it is my understanding that when you go bungee jumping, theres the anticipation of it, theres the nerves as you go up to the jump point, the moment you look over the edge, maybe panic a bit, and the moments before you dive, heart filled with terror...

But then you jump...I imagine that moment your diving is quite serene. "I've done it" you'd think. "Hard parts over". Course then you have the part your sprung back up, and you bobble up and down for a while, maybe throw up, but thats beside the point. I suppose what im trying to say is the vast majority of people who bungee jump go through the same emotions, but come out glad they did it, whether the experience was good or bad.

Where am I? Not sure...around about the point someone is deciding whether or not to book a bungee jump.

The way I see it, I have three options.

1) Stuff is working right now. Dont change whats not broke, right? Put down the phone book, no point doing a silly thing like bungee jumping. It'd only put you through an unnecessary amount of headmash!!

2) Keep considering...Maybe bungee jumping is for you? Carry on thinking about it, maybe the best decision will become more obvious as time goes on. Bide your time. It's worked in the past!

3) Do it. Take the dive. You might hate it, but you'll be glad you went for it whatever. At the very least you'll remove the doubt, and it'll be one less thing to question at 2 in the morning! It could even be one of the best things you do in your life...

Profound? No, not really. I think i stretched that metaphor too long. The point is, I think I'm terrified of stuff like this. Exchanging something I'm comfortable and happy with for a 50/50 chance at either something better or something worse.

The funny thing is, it's not a decision I should make on my own. I've been praying about it for about a month. No revelation, no bright light showing the right path, no miraculous signs pointing to the way. But thats okay. I know God will help me make this decision, and I know he wants me to make him a part of it.

Thing is, I'd much rather he made the decision for me. I'll just close my eyes and hold on tight...but I learnt not too long ago he doesn't work like that. Free will is a beautiful thing...but you gotta hate it sometimes = ]

P.S. I got a tattoo. Sorry Mum.
















P.P.S. This is not the bungee jump.

Sunday Afternoon...

Ahhhh. I'm quite apathetic of late. Which isn't a good thing. Actually, its a bit half and half. Sometimes I flood with thought and emotion, and I can talk and talk and talk. Other times I dont really care/mind whats going on and just let myself be carried through it.

I'd quite like to be passionate and interested in every little thing I do or am involved in, but the truth is i'm not. I sit in my church on a sunday morning and it bores me. If i was 17, I wouldnt turn up on a sunday morning. But its my job to try and get young people to come to the church. How can I do that well and with conviction, when if I had a choice I probably wouldnt turn up half the time?

I do filter between 2 states of mind though. One, a position of little attention to my work and the sessions i lead, and the other, being genuinely passionate about teaching and trying to find a way to communicate how infinitely sensational Jesus' sacrifice was. Thats pretty much always what I want to get across. I work with 'christian' young people, but they just dont get it (yet). Not when you get into the grit of it. I guess my hope is once you can grasp hold of how vital that sacrifice was, it humbles and brings about desire to follow him and know more.

Right now though, it seems like i'm teaching (and being asked to teach) all the stuff that you should care about as a christian (why we shouldnt lie, why its important to read the bible etc) to kids who dont actually know Jesus.

I suppose its becoming a bit frustrating, as i've worked at this church for over a year now and the church youth group has not moved forward. If anything it's gone backwards. And this has resulted in my attitude of "doesnt really matter what i say, it'll go in one ear, out the other and will be forgotton as soon as they walk out of the building." Which it will, cause pretty much everything has, bar one or two talking points.

And all this brings me back to the whole 'sewing seeds' thing. I refuse to believe nothing is happening at my church, cause God does more than i know. I guess though, God willing, i'd just like to see some fruits of this work before i'm done here. And if not, my prayer would be that these seeds do see a harvest at some point. I dont want to see 3 years work wasted because of mine or someone elses apathy.

Even so, I still find myself with something to smile about the majority of the time. There are too many blessings in life to spend your time complaining about the bad stuff. Even though thats what i've just done...!

If I was a facebook status, today I would need the *dislike* button...

About 2 days a week, sometimes more, sometimes less, I ‘wake up wrong’. I don’t even know what that means. Maybe it’s oversleeping, under sleeping, just waking up at the wrong point in your sleep. Or something happens as you wake up, however minor, and it just throws you into the wrong mindset as you start your day. Maybe it’s just not feeling 100%, I really don’t know. However, the result becomes the mood I am and have been in today.

I really don’t like it. I don’t think it makes me a bad person, I just don’t feel myself. I don’t enjoy not feeling myself, it really throws me off course.

Like I say, I go through this often, it’s really not a big deal. Everyone has ‘off-days’. But during a short prayer and worship time today I just began to think about it. Is it unreasonable to want to be joyful all the time? Surely I should be able to find that deep-seeded happiness, that heartfelt passion to worship that I know is there, even if I do feel a bit crap...right?

It’s pretty typical of me really, when I’m feeling great, I take it for granted, and when I feel like I do today, I resent it.

And oddly, it’s in this mindset that I find peace. I fall so amazingly short of giving God the glory he deserves, which really sucks...but maybe it’s enough that I’m trying? I think God understands that I live a pretty broken existence...just in my nature as ‘not Jesus’ I’m broken, and as a result I will (stupidly) try and go my own way from time to time, or even just forget that God comes first. I have made mistakes, I will make more mistakes, which is why Grace is such an awe-inspiring thing.

Grace becomes even more intense when I realise I am much less of a person when I allow myself to slip up, and God ‘must’ be bored of helping me to my feet by now, but he’s still there every time.

In all honesty though, having said all this, I reckon if you sit God through a 7 hour PowerPoint lecture about developing management, he’d have a hard time feeling joyful!!!

Actually feel better for that...ranting is fun. Here’s hoping for a better evening! Home time in 30 minutes!

And on a side note...first lecture day (in over a year) that i've not had a can of Relentless. Fantastic.

Too much of me, not enough of you.

"Take my heart. I don't want it anymore."

I went to church tonight. I go to church alot. I work for a church. But tonight, as i've started doing a few times a month, I went to a church where I dont work. Don't get me wrong, I love my job and wouldnt want to be doing anything else, but at times it can be pretty hard to focus on God when you're paying so much attention to whats going on around you, who you might be offending, who you might be inadvertanly leaving out. Am I doing too much? Am I not doing enough?

So, it's nice to get away from it for an hour or two and spend time with God without needing to focus on anything else. And tonight, those words at the top are the ones I found myself speaking.

It sounds pretty dramatic, like stuff is bad. It's not, at all. I'm probably happier in general now than i've been for a long time, perhaps ever. I'm not broken, I dont feel lost or upset. It just dawned on me this evening how dangerously easy it is to let my ego, or whatever name you want to give it, take over my thoughts and actions.

Controversial as it may be, i think its easier to submit everything you are to God when you've reached rock bottom. Having been there, I know. When things are actually going well, we get confident, proud, and in my case, sloppy.

"Things are good, I dont need to pray!"

"Nothings wrong, I dont need to read the Bible!"

Ok, so I dont vocalize this, but i wonder if its what goes on subconciously?

Ultimately, I dont want to be responsible for all my actions. Cause when I think I can take the drivers seat, things will and do go wrong. Quite badly aswell.

That was my prayer tonight. Take my heart, God. I dont want it anymore. Sure, i'll give it a body to beat in, but please, you tell it what to do and where to go. I'm tired of my own mistakes.

Something fresh...

Soooooooo.

It has just been suggested to me that this could be a good idea!

So, like the easily directed soul that I am, 'why not', was my reaction. So, here I am. Blogging...

It feels strange typing something that isnt going to be scrutinised for its theological accuracy.

The more I think about it, the better an idea this seems. I like to vent...but I sometimes worry about who i'm venting to. This seems like a good place to just talk without really caring who will read...after all, it is the internet...ahem.

So, I suppose if you have any inclination to want to know what goes through my mind from time to time, welcome. I'm quite sure here there will be theological stuff, personal stuff, God stuff, lyrics, what stuff means to me, what happened 'this week', whats happening 'next week'. I guess it could be a place for my family back home to keep up with what im doing, as i dont talk to them enough...a place to share my inner monologue...a place to whine...a place to rejoice...yeah, something like that.

Or, if you're a stranger just wanting another persons perspective on the world, you're welcome to read my thoughts.

So yeah, I really dont see how you would be, but if you are interested, welcome to my headmash! = ]

Andy