What a day...

Lectures shouldn't do this to my emotions.

Lectures are boring. They are for sitting down and being talked at for 7 hours about youth work practice and stuff.

Apparantly noone told our theology lecturer this term. Today it peaked.

Our lecturer is flat out awesome. We've had about 7 days with him this term, each time I've been challenged or enlightened about some theological principle or theme. We've covered soteriology (study of salvation), eschatology (end times), christology (Jesus), pneumatology (the holy spirit), creation & trinity. My mind has genuinely been blown. He's (very randomly I add) prophesied over several people in the group, opened new understandings, and just in general he teaches with such amazing spirituality its impossible not to learn.

Today just broke new ground for our group though. We were split up into 3 groups, and we spent about 2 hours reading Psalm 23.

Now, I've read that scripture many, many times in my life. It's beautiful, really it is. But in our groups of 6, we were told to read it as a group (a verse each) over and over and over. Then, have different people in the middle of the group and speak those verses too that individual. Then take small parts of the scripture and pray for the spirit to let us know what needed to be communicated specifically with that person 'in the middle'. It's amazing how 'alive' the Bible becomes when you really let it...Like I say, its a passage I've read loads, but after today I see it with such deeper understanding and 'fondness'.

It doesnt sound at all special, I know, but it was incredible. As a group, we can be very skeptical, and even more cynical, so starting this off there was a general air of "well this is a waste of a morning".

2 hours later, the majority of people in the room had shed more than a few tears. Stuff had been brought up that had been buried deep inside people for years as you could almost see people letting go of things they've been holding onto, rather than giving to God to sort out. There are some guys on my course who've gone through a huge amount. It makes me feel immensely lucky to have had the upbringing i've had. And it was some of these guys who started to drop the barriers they'd put up, and what might have been years of stored up emotion started to flood out.

In our group, I was praying for a girl who lost her mum 4 months ago. It's very rare that this happens for me, but just before i started praying for her, I felt that overwhelming feeling that was I was about to say was what God wanted her to hear. It broke me half way through praying, I dont even know why, they are words I have used before, but for whatever reason the emotion became to much and I ended up crying too.

It would have looked quite interesting to someone who hadnt been in the room for the previous hour and a half to see 19 adults, standing in three circles, conversing varieties of 'he anoints you with oil...WAHHHHHHHHHHH *sniff*' etc etc.

My words would never be able to do it justice, but it was a special morning.

From this point on, I spent the day considering my own faith. How much do I rely on God?

You see, I'm trying SO hard to make him everything that I am. I want to let go of everything and just live in Him, but I cant get there. I read Matthew 17, where the disciples couldnt heal the demon posessed boy, and Jesus comes over and says something like "your faith sucks, thats why you couldnt heal him" and then something else along the lines of "if you only had faith, you could tell a mountain to get up and move, and it would happen".

I lack that so much. So much of me wants to be there...and even though I ask him on a daily basis to help me get closer to that, I'm still so far away.

When I think about it, I KNOW he will always be with me, I KNOW he will look after me, I KNOW he will work in my life the way he wants to...

..but its not enough...I want more! I want faith that can move mountains, I want faith that will fire up my eyes when I tell someone that Jesus loves them. I want faith that makes me want for NOTHING other than his glory.

Ultimately, this doesnt mean giving up life. It doesnt mean ignorning relationships, diet or personal hygiene etc...what it does mean is that I've not yet reached the point where I'd be ready to give up everything I have on this earth to follow him if he called me to.

I guess my overwhelming thought tonight is, if days like today dont do it, what needs to happen for me to get there?