My oh my, things are different.

Have I really not blogged since April?

It's fair to say life got a bit mental since then. Many things have changed. I'm older, I finished uni, I got a job, I moved to a new city...indeed, things kicked off.

Looking at my last post, clearly it was a slightly rough time. Much of the last 6 months of uni was pretty tough, personally, spiritually & professionally, but here we are. I queried in that post that "it'll be interesting to see where I am in a year". And good grief has a new chapter begun.

At the end of June I went to Sheffield for a job interview, my first interview in 3 years, and before I was on the train back to London I'd been offered the job. Having started 3 days ago now, I'm a full time youth worker, with an office and everything.

I was so scared a few months ago that I wouldn't find somewhere to work and call home. But here I am, by His amazing grace I have a job doing what I love, a place to live, I'm even getting a car!

Theres so much more I could say about the last 4 months, but it can wait for now. Hopefully I'll be back here more often from now on, but I'm sure I've said that before. We'll see how it goes...!

Peace.

There have been better days...

For want of a better word, and I apologise for my language, today is a shit day.

Even so, I think it marks yet another new chapter in the adventure that is my life.

One year from now it'll certainly be interesting to see where I am.

I leave you, for now, with song. I dont know why. But it's very good indeed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MMEpaVL_WsU

Just copy the link. Embed didnt work.

The Glimpse

Wrote a song, how about that. I haven't written anything since I was 18. Video below.

It's about heaven, I guess. Not the stereotypical image of heaven, but just a place full of peace.

In other news, I'm starting to really like it here. Been our riding the last few days for the first time in ages, and its just nice. Maybe its just the weather, but as the days go by, the less I want to live anywhere else right now.

Fast update...

Trying my hardest.

Actually...I'm not sure I am.

Still terrified about next year. Still don't know where I'm going to be.

If you're of the praying persuasion, pray for inspiration and all that. I'm a little lost.

I'm looking forward to easter. I want to see my family.

Clenched Fists

‎"Dear God, 

I am so afraid to open my clenched fists! 

Who will I be when I have nothing left to hold on to? Who will I be when I stand before you with empty hands? 

Please help me to gradually open my hands and to discover that I am not what I own, but what you want to give me. 

And what you want to give me is love.

Unconditional, everlasting love.

Amen." 

"With a force that could shake the whole world."

Y'know sometimes, when a song just catches you?



"Lets believe that if we all stand together, with a force that could shake the whole world...for once we're doing something right when we sing."


"And the end is not about what you have, and the end is all about where you want to go, and the roads you take to help you get there. I hope you think thats fair? 'Cause you've only got one life to lead, so dont take for granted those little things..."

Things are getting better. It's the little things that are slowly bringing me home.

Resentment, revelation, reconciliation & reformation.

On more than one occasion I have come to this blog and spent hours writing about struggles or challenges, sometimes only to delete them without them ever being posted. 

I'm here tonight to write about another struggle. But...you see, its complex. Something thats entirely new to me, its nothing I've dealt with before.

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"He wants us to learn to walk, and must therefore take away his hand. And if only the will to walk is there, He is pleased with even our stumbles."

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That quote has appeared multiple times in this blog, and its a concept I've become very aware of in the past 3 years. It puts forward the notion that faith in Christ Jesus does not equal a perfect life, it doesn't solve lifes problems and it doesn't give us a free ticket to a painless ride.

That much I've accepted, and have been understanding of it for a long time now. Life is not spotless, but God is there, and he is ultimately all I need.

Now, that's all well and good. But what of the times where you feel broken, empty and in need of God, but he doesnt answer? What about when you go through all the motions that usually bring you to an intimate meeting with your creator and, to all your earthly senses, He's not there?

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"No longer desiring..."

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This is my struggle. For the last week, maybe two, that familiar feeling of knowing God is there has been absent. I've never been one to hear the voice of God audibly, I can't sit down and have a one on one chit chat with Him. But, in a way I cannot explain, I just know He's there, whether things are good or bad.

I've grown very used to that. And being able to feel Him there has led me to some indescribable moments in worship, to have that unshakable, undefeatable joy that wipes away all other emotion. Worship is important to me. As it should be for any Christian. It's in those times that we do our most valuable work with God, and it's those times that I have felt able to give what little I can back to my redeemer. 

To not have that feeling anymore breaks my heart. I feel so far from God at the moment, and I honestly do not believe that it's through a lack of faith on my part. A month ago I could excercise the same motions as I have in the past week, with regards to prayer and worship, and meet with Him. Recently, though, all I've felt is a dry, empty space. Nothing there. No overflowing joy, no desire to sing with such volume that my lungs give out...no passion.

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"I was sure by now, God you would have reached down and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day, but once again I say Amen & it's still raining..."

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'Where are You? I need You!'

It's not how it should be. I'm heading, at what feels like suicidal speeds, into the most difficult 5 months of my life. I can't do it alone. I need You right now. Where are You?!

That's not how it should be.

Every pastor, every youth worker, every preacher I had growing up said that if you need God, He's right there. He's easy to get to, just pray and He comes to the rescue. Just like that. 

I've learnt more about God in the last week than I have in a long time. And do you know something? God's not that easy.

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"... but as the thunder rolls, I barely hear You whisper through the rain: 'I'm with you...'"

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This last few days I have recognised one of the greatest blessings of my life to this point.

Throughout my upbringing, I've heard & seen countless sermons, teachings, dramas, Christian videos & songs. I've had parents that allowed me to discover my own faith on my own clock. I've had youth workers that have had their part in my young understanding of God, and its from those early understandings that I have developed everything I believe today. 

And all those things have led me to be able handle what is happening right now. I could so easily run away, give up on it. It'd be so easy. But that's not going to happen.

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 "So give me reason to believe; You'd never keep me incomplete"

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Not being able to meet with God, at least in the way that I have grown to expect, has had such an effect on me. Life just becomes more difficult. Think about it, for every problem you've ever had, your 'go to' was to pray and ask God to help, where do you go when it doesnt feel like he's there? For the last 5 years I've been involved in youth ministry in some shape or form. I know nearly all the go to scriptures about suffering & trusting God. I know the songs, the quotes, the videos & preaches that are supposed to reinvigorate faith. Where do you go when you know all this stuff, and still it feels like God isn't there.

Here's the important bit though.

He is there.

He's never not been there. Come on, I know that. 

Of course I knew that. But I only started to realise that when God, wise as he is, passed along a message for me. 

 "My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer,
   by night, but I find no rest. - Psalm 22:2"

"Our natural tendancy is not to welcome God's silence. When we long for an answer, His silence does not calm us. Insetad such a silence taunts us with its length and depth until we begin to lose all hope of ever hearing God. What are we to make of such times? If we know that we are living in a way that honours God and tha we are earnestly seeking Him, it may be that God is asking us to view the silence, hear the silence, in a new and different way. Often He asks us to wait, not for something to happen, or for an answer. But just to wait. In that waiting there is trust and in that trust there will be a deepening of relationship. And, evenutally, in that silence there will be God."

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 "All I can think about is how long i've been waiting to feel You move me..."

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I think it's going to hurt. But it could also be one of the most important periods of my life.

I ended up, unexpectedly (probably something to do with God again), spending a day this weekend on retreat. I got to spend more time than I was comfortable with in silence and around a lot of worship & prayer that was really difficult to be a part of. 

It was good for me to be there though, cause it gave me an opportunity away from my regular distractions to almost get angry about it all. Not angry at feeling left on my own by God, but angry about the timing. Why does he have to do this now? There are better times for it...surely?

Praying on the Saturday night, one of the guys there, knowing whats going on with it all (to an extent), gave me the image of the roots of a tree. 

It's a tree that needs to grow, but it needs deeper, thicker, stronger roots. The trouble is, theres a layer of grit and stone that the roots need to work through. The tree has to fight and struggle, but eventually the roots will break through, and so the tree will grow. Taller. Stronger. More sturdy. 

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"So close my eyes & hold my heart. Change this something normal into something beautiful..."

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That's whats happening. It breaks my heart and I have no idea how long it's going to last. 

He's doing something though. I think its something big.

And its right now that my faith becomes so important.

More than ever before, I cannot see God, I cannot hear God & I cannot feel God.

However little I desire it, how ever much my heart is pulled in another direction - I will worship Him. I will pray to Him. I will read His word. I will preach His gospel. 

I may not see it, but He's there...watching my every step, and when he's ready...no, when I'm ready for him to meet with me once again, I'm sure as hell not going to be running in the opposite direction.

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"This is reformation. This is Love overtaking."

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What am I doing?

What am I doing?

Where am I going, how am I getting there, what am I supposed to be doing, how should I be doing it? Why should I be doing it, and where does it get us?

I just walked home. I could have easily been mistaken for a zombie, I dont think there was a flicker of emotion in my face the entire way home.

I need something. Something fresh. Some new, tangible directions. Pointing to a giant neon sign telling me what I should do with my life.




I didn't think it would be this hard.