It's been a while...

I can be very cynical. I can be bitter, aggresive and rude.

I have'nt been for a while.

Strangely, the thing I'm most cynical about is the church I dont agree with. And holy poop theres alot about it that I dont.

I dont know where to begin here. This could either be an essay of me complaining, or a short burst about my night.

It's been a while since I've been able, or felt able, to sit down and rant about what I dont agree with. It takes a specific person, or a specific time/mood for me to start digging into the things I dont accept about modern christianity.

I went out with an old friend this evening, just to the pub. I dont see him often at all, but tonight it was well worth going out for. We ended up having a long discussion, interspersed with random reminiscings, about todays culture, the role of christians, westboro baptist church, the way of the master, the "christian voice" and many other things.

Some names there you may not know. (not a massive deal; westboro baptist church is a church in south USA who are quite extremist against homosexuality, general sin etc. Way of the master is an organisation who basically spend their time telling people they're going to hell if they dont repent NOW, etc, "the christian voice" is a UK website that strongly opposes similar things in Gods name) Point is, occasions are rare where I feel comfortable to explode. Tonight, for the first time in a couple of months, I felt comfortable to just get angry about these people.

I miss that. I miss being fired up. For a while, not too long ago, I was like that alot. I had a passion against these people, who in Jesus name claim to be doing the right things. I dont find myself so passionate anymore.

Its not just the obviously aggresive "christians" around the world. Its the ones on our doorstep. The people who claim to be a christian, but how much of that do they live out? How Christ-like do they try to be? Do they go out to make change? Or do they just keep their head down, avoiding confrontation and being scared of what might happen if they are discovered?

I'm scared I'm becoming one of these. I've stopped expecting the amazing. I've begun to plod, and in honesty, I hate it. I have some passion here...I want to see change, I'm just not prepared to go and make it happen.

That ends now.

EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED! CHANGE WHAT CAN'T BE CHANGED! STOP BEING A FAILURE!

This is how I feel right now. I dont want to hide. I dont want to shy from what I can do with God's strength. I want to change the world, even if its one person at a time.

I have to believe it can be done. I look at the culture I live in, the people around me and I want to break down in tears. There is so much hurt, so much brokenness.

There are people out there cotent to make it worse, assuming they're doing what is right. There arent too many who are prepared to go and change stuff for what is the truth.

I dont want to be lukewarm. I want to be on fire.

Its time to hit the frontline, time to make some change.

God help me though, I need some help getting there...

P.S. I'm sorry if this blog makes little sense. It's late, I'm tired, I might read it in the morning and wonder where it came from, but right now it's my heart laid bare. Thats why I started this blog.

Just...stop fighting!!

Hmmm...

Frustrating times.

More on that in a moment. I'm home! It's pretty cool to be back for a bit. The snow here has been mental (it was crap in London before I left), on the train up here on Monday it was stunning, white fields and stuff like that, was ace.

I went out in town last night...that was laugh. Saw some old friends, got to jump about and sang my throat sore which I dont get to do that often, so I had fun = ]

I was a bit anxious about going out, if I'm honest. Haven't been out since the middle of summer, and i've grown a bit more aware of where I go, what I do and what sort of example I set. I wondered if I should just avoid to this place...I know a lot of people there, some my friends, and I know there's stuff that goes on that's a bit hardcore.

Now there are people out there who will tell you to not associate yourself with this type of thing. I heard a guy preaching once who basically said surround yourself with good, christ-centered friends, as they are a good influence, and stay clear of friends who might 'drag you down'.

I don't agree.

While I think having Christian friends definitely holds value, to avoid the company of those involved in some of the darker things in life defeats the purpose of what Jesus came to do. And so I went out, and there was some dodgy stuff going on. I didn't go to judge, I didn't go to preach. I went out to see my friends. I'm sure some people would tell me I'm wrong for going somewhere that I know people are drugging up and, quite intentionally, drinking themselves to the throwing up point. Well, judge me then. I might not agree with the actions of some people, but It doesn't make me 'better', and if every christian is happy to stand outside the box and look at what goes on inside it, nothings going to happen. Did I change anyones life by showing up at a club? No. I kinda wish I was less scared of trying though.

Now....why am I frustrated?

I find it really difficult to relax into letting 'God's will be done'. I know the deal, I'm aware of everything I'm supposed to be, I know what I believe. I just struggle with some things. I've become a huge amount better at letting go, but I'm not there yet.

Now, there are some things which I'm now massively comfortable with, that a few months ago I'd have been kicking and screaming about, and on the other hand, there's stuff going on now that I'm too anxious about, where a few months ago I wasn't even thinking about it!

It's all very pathetic. Before Jesus was arrested to be crucified, he knew the fate that was waiting for him. He knew death was coming, and he sat down and prayed something like this:

"God, I don't want to go through this. I really don't. If there's any way that this doesn't have to happen, then stop it. But...your will be done. Not mine."

Man, I wish I could be more like Jesus. He's sitting there, waiting for death, 'Your will be done, not mine'. In comparison, the things I worry about are just ridiculous, and I struggle just to chill out and say "God...its on you. I'm sitting back."

I'm doing better than I was...but I'm not there yet.

Still frustrates me.

How the years fly by...

"Heres to another better year!" - Indeed, the immortal words of Jeremy McKinnon.

Oh yesss. In 2 weeks I will have lived in 4 different decades. That makes me feel alot older than I am.

I thought about writing a lovely sentimental blog about all the stuff I remember, or the stuff that has changed over the last 10 years, but I was 12 when this decade began and my memory is not that good.

I can talk about this year though. The last 12 months have been quite amazing. Challenging at times, rewarding at others. I cant begin to explain the changes I've gone through in the last 12-18 months. I look at myself 1-2 years ago and dont really recognise what I see, because its such a departure from who I am now.

I recently made a list of my top 10 favorite songs of all time. Number 3 on that list was 'Who I am hates who I've been', by Relient K. I absolutely love it. It's just...it's always the way I feel about my life. The following line in particular holds special meaning;

"Who I am hates who I've been, and who I am will take the second chance you gave me. Who I am hates who I've been, cause who I've been only ever made me."

I look back at things I've said and done and I cringe at times. Like I say, I am such a different person to a couple of years ago. I dont like who I've been, but a lot of those experiences made me who I am today, and the things I do today will go into making who I'll be in the years to come.

I dont mean to say that in an egotistical way, not like I'm trying to 'big up' who I am now, while I do believe I'm a better person for whatever change has happened, I dont want any of that to be driven by me. I'm who I am now becuase I opened myself to God, and I started to let him work the things I previously 'kept to myself' about. It took me 22 years to do it (admittedly, many of those I was not making concious decisions about it...) but life is better for it.

So...what has happened this year? Well...a lot...but I wouldnt know where to begin.

I just wrote about 3 paragraphs on stuff, and then deleted it, cause it doesnt need to be talked about.

The short version is: Its been a good year. The last 3-4 months has in particular been great, if the hardest work. If theres one thing I've learnt (or at least learned more...!) this year, is that nothing can be expected. There are things this year that I've said, things I've done, and some problems/blessings/people have come my way that I just could not have predicted, and I'm better off for it.

10 years ago, I wasnt thinking about who I'd be come December 2009. Tonight, my head wanders towards who i'm going to be in December 2019.

Where will I be living? Still in England...?
What will my job be?
What sort of church will I be going to?
Will I be married? Kids?!
Will my brother be married...!?
Come to think of it, will he still be doing something with a chemistry degree?
Will I have my own place to live?
Will I still be in touch with everyone in my life at the moment? If not, who've I forgotton?
WHAT MUSIC ARE YOU LISTENING TO?! If you've gone soft on me I wont be impressed...

I could go on. Point is, I have no answers. I thought of a plan once, 'this is what im going to do, its going to be like this!'

It didnt work. I can speculate all I like, I can 'hope' it might be a certain way, but theres really only one question that carries weight, one question that I need to ask myself everyday, and if I come up with an answer I dont like, I'm going to do something about it.

'Where am I with God?'

In 10 years time, no matter where I am, who I'm with or what I'm doing, I just hope I'm ready to tell the world that I live that life for Jesus, and without him I would be nothing.

If I ever forget that, if I ever lose sight of that, someone come and point me back in the right direction please, it'd be appreciated.

There is one thing I am quite sure of though. Just as I barely recognise myself 1 year ago, in a years time, two years, ten years, I'm hoping I can look back at myself in these days and see how much I've grown.

A lot happened in 10 years. I'm guessing a lot more is going to happen in the next 10. I gotta tell you...I'm really really excited.

A very short post...

And so, with an oddly interesting night, the 'work' part of work is over for 2009, I'm in an exceptionally good mood, and, while this tends to be the case, I find myself supremely chilled out this evening.

I'm thinking tomorrow is going to be a very good day = ]

Some thoughts on a rainy monday afternoon...

Ahhh I dont know where to begin. Too many thoughts about how to word this floating round my head. Lets see how it goes...

"There once was a man named alex. Alex loved the lord very much, and why not; he had been blessed with many gifts and a good life. He had a beautiful girl who loved him, a family that had taken him in as their own, great friends, and his life was laid out perfectly for him. Alex was happy for the world to know that the Lord Jesus is his saviour and his joy in the life he leads. He even dedicated his professional life to God, training to work for the church to serve him.

One day, the devil said to God; "I bet he wouldnt love you if he didnt have so much to be thankful for..."

To which God responded "satan, you are wrong. My son knows me and would love me if he had nothing else in the world."

"Prove it", came the devils cynical response.

And so, the blessings that made Alex's life so happy began to fall away. His girlfriend left him, he could no longer live with the family who took him in, the life that he had dreamed of and been building for 5 years was falling apart.

And so God reaches down to wipe the tears away..."my son, I know you are hurting, but I love you, I am all you will ever need...come home."

Alex opens his eyes, grits his teeth and through the tears he yells;

"I HATE YOU! I HAD EVERYTHING I WANTED AND YOU TOOK IT ALL AWAY! HOW CAN I TRUST YOU IF YOU WANT TO SEE ME MISERABLE!? I HATE YOU!!!"

The devil, sniggering, utters the words "told you so..." as he slithers from the room. And at these words, God drops to his knees and begins to weep."



God cries, right? God gets upset? I've always thought that the emotion we hold must be found in God, or else how could he put that in us? I also like to think that God can hold those emotions to the fullest of their potential. Happiness you cant understand, joy you cant fathom, anger that cant be put into words and sadness like you cant describe.

Have you ever cried tears so deep that your body physically hurts? Imagine what that level of sorrow feels like to God...

This entirely untheological. Im not basing the potential emotion-waves of God off anything other than my own perception, buts its making me think.

So many people I know are content to either ignore/hate/not listen to/resent God. And God, despite his infinite power, chooses not to reach down and flip a switch that will make that person suddenly love him again. Instead, he just waits for them to come back.

Not being a parent yet in life, I can only imagine how it would feel if one of your children decided they hate you because you dont look after them well enough (even though you know everything you've ever done has been in the best intentions for their sake) and chose to leave, or never talk to you, etc etc.

Pretty sure that would be crushing.

That story up there is a true one. Bits of it bare a certain similarity to Job, no?

I dunno, perhaps Gods reaction would not be to break down in tears at Alex's reaction. Maybe in his infinite wisdom, he knows he will come back to him in due course. But my overwhelming thought is that when we are so ignorant that we cant see Gods love (which, by the way, if we took a few minutes to go looking for would hit us in the face like being slapped with a salmon) in all its grace and beauty, that must break his heart.

"How can I put my trust in a God that wants to see me hurt, that would take away everything I know and love in the space of a week?"

THE SAME GOD MADE HIMSELF MORTAL AND WENT THROUGH THE WORST POSSIBLE PUNISHMENT SO THAT YOU (yes, YOU) MAY HAVE LIFE THAT DOESNT SUCK!!! HE OWES YOU NOTHING!!!!

And yet he gives you so much...You are not the rightful owner of anything. When you became a christian you said you wanted to give everything to God. Those words carry weight.

Point is, God isnt looking to make life miserable for us. With the guy in the story, he could only love God when he was well off. When things get tough, out comes the blame game. I dont know why he's going through such a pile of crap at the moment, I dont know if satan is doing all he can to tear him from God. I dont know if God is putting him through a fire, in the wisdom that when he comes out the other side his faith and identity will be found in God and nothing else...

I do know I want my friend back. I cant tell him what I think, cause he's not ready to hear it. I cant tell him he has no right to be angry with God (this doesnt go for him alone, noone has the right to be angry at God. You create the universe, go through the pain as it corrupts itself, give up your only son to death for the sake of the sinful individuals that populate that same world, and work miracles on a daily basis...then we'll talk about your right to judge Gods actions).

Pain is a part of life. It flippin sucks, I know this. Anyone close to me knows i've dealt with some stuff, but i've been fortunate in that my trials pale into insignificance compared to some peoples.

Ultimately, I think you have to find out which side you're going to stand on. Job lost everything he had, but till the day he died he never stopped prasing the Lords name. Alex lost much of what he loved and his immediate reaction is to turn to hate and bitterness.

I'm being brutal. You cant really blame him for his reaction, its how many people would react. I suppose my ultimate point is this; If you honestly can place your trust 100% in God, then I genuinely believe that you could lose everything you know and still find yourself crying to God instead of turning from him. At no point in the bible does it say "Love me and all your days will be easy and happy, etc."

Sadness is something we will all go through, and they can be intense, testing times. Loss always hurts. So what if your foundation, the very core of who you are, the one thing that defines you more than anything else is something that cannot fade.

You cant lose God. Surely it makes perfect sense to put all your hope in something that will never leave you? = ]



OH MY WORD what a rant. I could keep going, i really could. Silly, silly brain, In other news, this is my new phone. Its amazing. If you can make out the screen...yeah, thats right, Raining in London.

NO MORE DEADLINES! (for a month or so...)

This makes me happy.

Familiar with that stage where you're not even thinking about what grade you're gonna get, but are just happy its out of the way and out of your mind for a while? Yes, thats where I am.

And so Christmas rolls up, thinking he owns the place. I based half of one of my essays on christmas. The main topic being Christology...yeah you can probably see where I went with that one.

Yeah...I dont have anything major to say this evening. It's been a mad week. Some pretty important stuffs gone on, and there are some horizons which are beginning to look really promising. I'm quite excited!

I think most of the good times in my life i've had some good stuff thats just outweighing the bad. Thats starting to change.

Right now, i'm learning how to not take the good things for granted, and how to make the bad things mean something positive.

And its flipping hard! But, it would appear, life is much better when its not easy! I wondered if i'd ever reach this stage in life (i'm pretty lazy...), but I seem to have come round to the way of thinking that i'd rather work hard and be happy than have it easy and find myself bummed out most of the time...

The hardest thing of all is trying to keep that focus...

Thats My King!

Just typed this up for the essay I'm working on. Simply phenomenal words, so for anyone who's never heard the Lockeridge talk before, heres the jist...

"The Bible says my king is a king of the Jews. He's the king of Israel. He's the king of righteousness, he's the king of the ages. He's the king of heaven, he's the king of glory, he's the king of kings and the lord of lords!

That's my king, I wonder, do you know him?

My king is a sovereign king. No means of measure can define his limitless love. He's enduringly strong, he's entirely sincere, he's eternally steadfast. He's immortally graceful, he's imperially powerful, he's impartially merciful.

Do you know him?

He's the greatest phenomenon that has ever crossed the horizon of this world. He's Gods son, he's the sinners saviour, he's the centrepiece of civilisation. He's unparalleled, he's unprecedented. He's the loftiest idea in literature. He's the highest personality in philosophy. He's the fundamental doctrine of true theology. He's the only one qualified to be an all sufficient saviour.

I wonder if you know him today?

He supplies strength to the weak, he's available for the tempted and the tried, he sympathises and he saves, he strengthens and sustains, he guards and he guides, he heals the sick, he cleansed the lepers, he forgives sinners, he discharges debtors, he delivers the captive, he defends the feeble, he blesses the young, he serves the unfortunate, he regards the aged, he rewards the diligent and he beautifies the meek.

I wonder if you know him?

He's the key to knowledge, he's the wellspring of wisdom, he's the doorway of deliverance, he's the pathway of peace, he's the roadway of righteousness, he's the highway of holiness, he's the gateway of glory.

Do you know him?

His life is matchless, his goodness is limitless, his mercy is everlasting, his love never changes, his word is enough, his grace is sufficient, his reign is righteous, and his yoke is easy, and his burden is light.

I wish I could describe him to you but he's indescribable, he's incomprehensible, he's invincible, he's irresistible. You can't get him out of your mind, you can't get him off of your hands, you can't outlive him and you can't live without him.

The Pharisees couldn't stand him, but they found out they couldn't stop him. Pilate couldn't find any fault in him, Herod couldn't kill him. Death couldn't handle him and the grave couldn't hold him!

That's my King!"

Gives me goosebumps!!

Some cryptic to decode...

I miss swimming.

Before I moved to London I swam quite alot, down here I just dont have the time/energy/money for it, as the only nice pool's anywhere near me require gym membership.

Tonight, I'm thinking about what it was like learning to swim. At what point to you start to venture out into the water where your feet no longer touch the floor? When do you decide to take the arm bands off and trust that you'll float?

Was there a fear that when you get to a certain point in the pool, you'll just sink?

I've been wading around the shallow end for a few months. Last night it was time to venture into deeper water. Cant spend your entire life with a rubber ring can you? Honestly, I'm pretty terrified of sinking. I'm scared that if I stop kicking, then nothing will keep me afloat. Then I remember, if i just relax, and trust that the bodies buoyancy will keep me above water, no matter how deep it is. Last night it was time to relax and trust my heart instead of my head for once. And what do you know...even though I genuinely have no idea where I'm going...I havn't sunk yet = ]

Now, if I just have the patience to not...start...kicking!

Long days...

Not much to say about today! Left the house at 10, was home briefly for lunch and for dinner, and just got home after finishing 10 minutes ago! (10pm) Made all the more wonderful by a 10am-5pm day tomorrow (Saturday is usually my day off...you have to love the Christmas fair...)

However, I was listening to this earlier today. It's quite probably my favorite song of worship, and I wanted to share its words. Plenty of truth in them about where i've come from and where I hope to go in these words, genuinely love them. Enjoy!

"I asked you for life,
And you sent your Son to die for me.
I asked you for hope,
You came in the night and gave me a dream.
I asked you freedom,
You broke every chain, and gave me the key.
I asked you for love never-ending,
and every day you surround me.

And now my faith in You is a mountain that cant be shaken,
Now my strength is found in You, it is joy that cant be taken!

Praise spills from my lips! Flowing on to the feet of you my King!
And you deserve all the love and all the honour that I can bring.

Here is my song, here is my heart, here is my love, all for you Jesus!"


The days can be long and the work can be hard, but dont forget to praise him. Its too good to miss out on = ]

And I can promise you, the long days are worse if they arent for God!

What a day...

Lectures shouldn't do this to my emotions.

Lectures are boring. They are for sitting down and being talked at for 7 hours about youth work practice and stuff.

Apparantly noone told our theology lecturer this term. Today it peaked.

Our lecturer is flat out awesome. We've had about 7 days with him this term, each time I've been challenged or enlightened about some theological principle or theme. We've covered soteriology (study of salvation), eschatology (end times), christology (Jesus), pneumatology (the holy spirit), creation & trinity. My mind has genuinely been blown. He's (very randomly I add) prophesied over several people in the group, opened new understandings, and just in general he teaches with such amazing spirituality its impossible not to learn.

Today just broke new ground for our group though. We were split up into 3 groups, and we spent about 2 hours reading Psalm 23.

Now, I've read that scripture many, many times in my life. It's beautiful, really it is. But in our groups of 6, we were told to read it as a group (a verse each) over and over and over. Then, have different people in the middle of the group and speak those verses too that individual. Then take small parts of the scripture and pray for the spirit to let us know what needed to be communicated specifically with that person 'in the middle'. It's amazing how 'alive' the Bible becomes when you really let it...Like I say, its a passage I've read loads, but after today I see it with such deeper understanding and 'fondness'.

It doesnt sound at all special, I know, but it was incredible. As a group, we can be very skeptical, and even more cynical, so starting this off there was a general air of "well this is a waste of a morning".

2 hours later, the majority of people in the room had shed more than a few tears. Stuff had been brought up that had been buried deep inside people for years as you could almost see people letting go of things they've been holding onto, rather than giving to God to sort out. There are some guys on my course who've gone through a huge amount. It makes me feel immensely lucky to have had the upbringing i've had. And it was some of these guys who started to drop the barriers they'd put up, and what might have been years of stored up emotion started to flood out.

In our group, I was praying for a girl who lost her mum 4 months ago. It's very rare that this happens for me, but just before i started praying for her, I felt that overwhelming feeling that was I was about to say was what God wanted her to hear. It broke me half way through praying, I dont even know why, they are words I have used before, but for whatever reason the emotion became to much and I ended up crying too.

It would have looked quite interesting to someone who hadnt been in the room for the previous hour and a half to see 19 adults, standing in three circles, conversing varieties of 'he anoints you with oil...WAHHHHHHHHHHH *sniff*' etc etc.

My words would never be able to do it justice, but it was a special morning.

From this point on, I spent the day considering my own faith. How much do I rely on God?

You see, I'm trying SO hard to make him everything that I am. I want to let go of everything and just live in Him, but I cant get there. I read Matthew 17, where the disciples couldnt heal the demon posessed boy, and Jesus comes over and says something like "your faith sucks, thats why you couldnt heal him" and then something else along the lines of "if you only had faith, you could tell a mountain to get up and move, and it would happen".

I lack that so much. So much of me wants to be there...and even though I ask him on a daily basis to help me get closer to that, I'm still so far away.

When I think about it, I KNOW he will always be with me, I KNOW he will look after me, I KNOW he will work in my life the way he wants to...

..but its not enough...I want more! I want faith that can move mountains, I want faith that will fire up my eyes when I tell someone that Jesus loves them. I want faith that makes me want for NOTHING other than his glory.

Ultimately, this doesnt mean giving up life. It doesnt mean ignorning relationships, diet or personal hygiene etc...what it does mean is that I've not yet reached the point where I'd be ready to give up everything I have on this earth to follow him if he called me to.

I guess my overwhelming thought tonight is, if days like today dont do it, what needs to happen for me to get there?

Satudays!

I love them = ]

My head can't handle it!!!

Indescribable blessings.

Unfathomable greatness.

Inexplicable beauty.

Amazing grace.

A warning to the wise...dont you DARE even think about underestimating Jesus...

It's going to be a special day = ]

Enough is enough...

Nothing like a stroll in the numbing cold of November to clear the mind...!!

Countless times I end up in the same situation. Life gets better...I get sloppy...and before I know it I'm having a bad day and have to make a change. Maybe not a U-turn, not so dramatic, but at least a noticeable bend.

What annoys me about it, is that I KNOW exactly how it goes. And i've gone through this cycle enough times to know it can be avoided if i get my act together.

What stops me reading my bible? What stops me praying? What stops me woshipping? Nothing but my own disregard for said things, and a large amount of distractions.

I've had a very lethargic couple of days. Nothing bad has happened, but I know when i'm happy, and I just havn't been smiling as much for a couple of days. And it's so stupid cause I know what it takes. I know where my heart needs to be, and it's not been there.

I'm at my happiest, in my best moods, and in my most blessed points in life when I focus on what I'm supposed to. How could I be so utterly stupid as to focus on anything else?

So, it's time to bring it back. God WILL be my all, and its about time I kept it that way. It's time to stop worrying about things like my last post. When it comes down to it, stuff like that wont matter when i'm in heaven. Not that I dont care about it now, I really do, but God is bigger...

Maybe, as he so often does, the direct concequences of making God the middle of everything will be that he continues to bless me with stuff that I cannot even hope to repay him for.

He blows my mind. He Really does.

P.S. Off topic photo of the day...















My dinner! I cooked too much again but its awesome. I dont care what you say, I'm an awesome chef...

If I go down, you are most definately coming with me...

My brain starts to think too much at 2am. I'm not sure why. Maybe its the same for a lot of people, and maybe this is why I find myself having the deepest discussions with people late at night.

Whatever the reason, right now its 2:14am, I'm wide awake and, as is the norm at this time, I'm overthinking.

What am I overthinking? Ahhh many things I suppose. Nothing bad. On the contrary, I'm in a pretty good mood. A mad one, but good.

I'll tell you what my brain is doing. It's running back and forward, debating with itself the potential pro's and con's of bungee jumping.

But no, not the jumping off a high bridge bungee jump. I'm talking about big decision bungee jumping.

Think about it. I've never done it myself, but it is my understanding that when you go bungee jumping, theres the anticipation of it, theres the nerves as you go up to the jump point, the moment you look over the edge, maybe panic a bit, and the moments before you dive, heart filled with terror...

But then you jump...I imagine that moment your diving is quite serene. "I've done it" you'd think. "Hard parts over". Course then you have the part your sprung back up, and you bobble up and down for a while, maybe throw up, but thats beside the point. I suppose what im trying to say is the vast majority of people who bungee jump go through the same emotions, but come out glad they did it, whether the experience was good or bad.

Where am I? Not sure...around about the point someone is deciding whether or not to book a bungee jump.

The way I see it, I have three options.

1) Stuff is working right now. Dont change whats not broke, right? Put down the phone book, no point doing a silly thing like bungee jumping. It'd only put you through an unnecessary amount of headmash!!

2) Keep considering...Maybe bungee jumping is for you? Carry on thinking about it, maybe the best decision will become more obvious as time goes on. Bide your time. It's worked in the past!

3) Do it. Take the dive. You might hate it, but you'll be glad you went for it whatever. At the very least you'll remove the doubt, and it'll be one less thing to question at 2 in the morning! It could even be one of the best things you do in your life...

Profound? No, not really. I think i stretched that metaphor too long. The point is, I think I'm terrified of stuff like this. Exchanging something I'm comfortable and happy with for a 50/50 chance at either something better or something worse.

The funny thing is, it's not a decision I should make on my own. I've been praying about it for about a month. No revelation, no bright light showing the right path, no miraculous signs pointing to the way. But thats okay. I know God will help me make this decision, and I know he wants me to make him a part of it.

Thing is, I'd much rather he made the decision for me. I'll just close my eyes and hold on tight...but I learnt not too long ago he doesn't work like that. Free will is a beautiful thing...but you gotta hate it sometimes = ]

P.S. I got a tattoo. Sorry Mum.
















P.P.S. This is not the bungee jump.

Sunday Afternoon...

Ahhhh. I'm quite apathetic of late. Which isn't a good thing. Actually, its a bit half and half. Sometimes I flood with thought and emotion, and I can talk and talk and talk. Other times I dont really care/mind whats going on and just let myself be carried through it.

I'd quite like to be passionate and interested in every little thing I do or am involved in, but the truth is i'm not. I sit in my church on a sunday morning and it bores me. If i was 17, I wouldnt turn up on a sunday morning. But its my job to try and get young people to come to the church. How can I do that well and with conviction, when if I had a choice I probably wouldnt turn up half the time?

I do filter between 2 states of mind though. One, a position of little attention to my work and the sessions i lead, and the other, being genuinely passionate about teaching and trying to find a way to communicate how infinitely sensational Jesus' sacrifice was. Thats pretty much always what I want to get across. I work with 'christian' young people, but they just dont get it (yet). Not when you get into the grit of it. I guess my hope is once you can grasp hold of how vital that sacrifice was, it humbles and brings about desire to follow him and know more.

Right now though, it seems like i'm teaching (and being asked to teach) all the stuff that you should care about as a christian (why we shouldnt lie, why its important to read the bible etc) to kids who dont actually know Jesus.

I suppose its becoming a bit frustrating, as i've worked at this church for over a year now and the church youth group has not moved forward. If anything it's gone backwards. And this has resulted in my attitude of "doesnt really matter what i say, it'll go in one ear, out the other and will be forgotton as soon as they walk out of the building." Which it will, cause pretty much everything has, bar one or two talking points.

And all this brings me back to the whole 'sewing seeds' thing. I refuse to believe nothing is happening at my church, cause God does more than i know. I guess though, God willing, i'd just like to see some fruits of this work before i'm done here. And if not, my prayer would be that these seeds do see a harvest at some point. I dont want to see 3 years work wasted because of mine or someone elses apathy.

Even so, I still find myself with something to smile about the majority of the time. There are too many blessings in life to spend your time complaining about the bad stuff. Even though thats what i've just done...!

If I was a facebook status, today I would need the *dislike* button...

About 2 days a week, sometimes more, sometimes less, I ‘wake up wrong’. I don’t even know what that means. Maybe it’s oversleeping, under sleeping, just waking up at the wrong point in your sleep. Or something happens as you wake up, however minor, and it just throws you into the wrong mindset as you start your day. Maybe it’s just not feeling 100%, I really don’t know. However, the result becomes the mood I am and have been in today.

I really don’t like it. I don’t think it makes me a bad person, I just don’t feel myself. I don’t enjoy not feeling myself, it really throws me off course.

Like I say, I go through this often, it’s really not a big deal. Everyone has ‘off-days’. But during a short prayer and worship time today I just began to think about it. Is it unreasonable to want to be joyful all the time? Surely I should be able to find that deep-seeded happiness, that heartfelt passion to worship that I know is there, even if I do feel a bit crap...right?

It’s pretty typical of me really, when I’m feeling great, I take it for granted, and when I feel like I do today, I resent it.

And oddly, it’s in this mindset that I find peace. I fall so amazingly short of giving God the glory he deserves, which really sucks...but maybe it’s enough that I’m trying? I think God understands that I live a pretty broken existence...just in my nature as ‘not Jesus’ I’m broken, and as a result I will (stupidly) try and go my own way from time to time, or even just forget that God comes first. I have made mistakes, I will make more mistakes, which is why Grace is such an awe-inspiring thing.

Grace becomes even more intense when I realise I am much less of a person when I allow myself to slip up, and God ‘must’ be bored of helping me to my feet by now, but he’s still there every time.

In all honesty though, having said all this, I reckon if you sit God through a 7 hour PowerPoint lecture about developing management, he’d have a hard time feeling joyful!!!

Actually feel better for that...ranting is fun. Here’s hoping for a better evening! Home time in 30 minutes!

And on a side note...first lecture day (in over a year) that i've not had a can of Relentless. Fantastic.

Too much of me, not enough of you.

"Take my heart. I don't want it anymore."

I went to church tonight. I go to church alot. I work for a church. But tonight, as i've started doing a few times a month, I went to a church where I dont work. Don't get me wrong, I love my job and wouldnt want to be doing anything else, but at times it can be pretty hard to focus on God when you're paying so much attention to whats going on around you, who you might be offending, who you might be inadvertanly leaving out. Am I doing too much? Am I not doing enough?

So, it's nice to get away from it for an hour or two and spend time with God without needing to focus on anything else. And tonight, those words at the top are the ones I found myself speaking.

It sounds pretty dramatic, like stuff is bad. It's not, at all. I'm probably happier in general now than i've been for a long time, perhaps ever. I'm not broken, I dont feel lost or upset. It just dawned on me this evening how dangerously easy it is to let my ego, or whatever name you want to give it, take over my thoughts and actions.

Controversial as it may be, i think its easier to submit everything you are to God when you've reached rock bottom. Having been there, I know. When things are actually going well, we get confident, proud, and in my case, sloppy.

"Things are good, I dont need to pray!"

"Nothings wrong, I dont need to read the Bible!"

Ok, so I dont vocalize this, but i wonder if its what goes on subconciously?

Ultimately, I dont want to be responsible for all my actions. Cause when I think I can take the drivers seat, things will and do go wrong. Quite badly aswell.

That was my prayer tonight. Take my heart, God. I dont want it anymore. Sure, i'll give it a body to beat in, but please, you tell it what to do and where to go. I'm tired of my own mistakes.

Something fresh...

Soooooooo.

It has just been suggested to me that this could be a good idea!

So, like the easily directed soul that I am, 'why not', was my reaction. So, here I am. Blogging...

It feels strange typing something that isnt going to be scrutinised for its theological accuracy.

The more I think about it, the better an idea this seems. I like to vent...but I sometimes worry about who i'm venting to. This seems like a good place to just talk without really caring who will read...after all, it is the internet...ahem.

So, I suppose if you have any inclination to want to know what goes through my mind from time to time, welcome. I'm quite sure here there will be theological stuff, personal stuff, God stuff, lyrics, what stuff means to me, what happened 'this week', whats happening 'next week'. I guess it could be a place for my family back home to keep up with what im doing, as i dont talk to them enough...a place to share my inner monologue...a place to whine...a place to rejoice...yeah, something like that.

Or, if you're a stranger just wanting another persons perspective on the world, you're welcome to read my thoughts.

So yeah, I really dont see how you would be, but if you are interested, welcome to my headmash! = ]

Andy