A few idle thoughts on Christmas night...

That last post was my 50th. How about that!

So yes, it is indeed Christmas day. I'm at home (at my parents in Manchester), which is lovely. I so rarely come back here now, and when I do its for so little time. I think in 2010 I'll have spent, in total, 3 weeks back here. So it's nice when I do come back, always conjures up good memories.

Christmas is interesting these days. Many of our family Christmases in the past have been spent with my dads side of the family, my auntie, uncle & cousins. Always fun as my cousin has been my closest friend since we were born. The years of spending Christmas day playing N64, and then Gamecube, then Championship Manager etc always seemed like great ways to spend the afternoon.

This year I'm with my family (mum, dad & brother), my auntie & uncle from my mums side and 2 very ageing grandparents. One of which struggled to understand what was going on today, the other of which snores. Loudly.

As much as I love my family, it's hard not to be a bit dead on an afternoon like this.

The format is standard: Get up, go to church, come home, open presents (lets be honest, it's just not as magical as it was when we were 10), prepare lunch, eat lunch, everyone falls asleep in front of the TV.

I may just be in a cynical mood, but today is supposed to be one of the most joyous days of the year. Not because of the simple fact that its Christmas, but as it's a celebration of the day that our wonderful Saviour was born. How can it be so lethargic?

Still, they've just gone home, bless 'em. It may be time to get toasted with mum & dad and enjoy the rest of the day.

This will probably my last post of the year, so God bless you, I wish you all a wonderful rest of Christmas, a happy new year and a wonderfully blessed 2011.

And I apologise for the cynicism. Christmas IS wonderful, it really is.

Much love.

Early resolutions...

I've never kept a resolution in my life. How long are they supposed to last? If they're only meant to last a few weeks, then I'm fine...but all year? Hasn't happened for me.

I made some epic ones last year. Im not sure they were technically new years resolutions, perhaps just things I set out to do. Lasted a couple of weeks but then lethargy crept in and I just bailed on them. My self discipline skills are lacking.

I've never been one to set silly resolutions about laying off the sugar or going on a diet (lets be honest, if I went on a diet I'd simply cease to exist). When I have made a resolution about something it's had to carry some weight, y'know, actually mean something or be of actual benefit to my life.

Now, I'm getting better with the self discipline stuff. It's coming slowly, but I am getting there. I keep hearing stuff only takes 2 weeks to become habit, (do something every day for 2 weeks, it sticks...apparently) but its really those 2 weeks I have trouble with. I should really make a run at this one though, 'cause its something I need to fix.

Reading the freakin' Bible.

Now, I do read the Bible quite a lot. But not daily. And not often for my own personal time or study. I read it because I work for a church and a huge amount of what I do involves the Bible. Now, thats not to diminish it's value to me. When I do manage to read myself, and read properly, I love it. I read a passage this evening, that I actually read at first yesterday, and it seemingly took about 24 hours to hit me properly (I'll post it at the bottom, it really is a stunningly beautiful piece of scripture), and those moments are great. Few & far between, but great.

I dont know why I neglect my personal reading. I know for sure I'd be a better man if I read it properly, every day. But I don't. Cause I'm an idiot. I read a quote the other day: "Hard work pays off in time, procrastination pays off RIGHT NOW." It's pretty true in honesty. I'm so easily content to piss away the time in the here & now, time that could be spent becoming a better person for my God. I've probably wasted some incredible opportunities because I've neglected my own personal growth & time with Him.

These things usually have a spark though right? What makes us suddenly want to change the way we operate...?

See, the last couple of days I've noticed my own weaknesses start to creep up on me. They are feelings I'm very familiar with, and they are not welcome. Anxiety, doubt, uncertainty, being unsure of things I know, feeling the need to meddle with things that I should just be content with.

These are the characteristics of a frame of mind that I'll look back on in the coming months and hate myself for. The old 'Who I Am Hates Who I've Been' line swings round on a regular basis, and rightly so. I've said before that if I can look back at myself over the years and be content that I haven't changed, I'll have done something wrong.

The future is bright at the moment. It's looking like there is some really good stuff around the corner, but...or perhaps because of that, I have to be ready for it. I say this far too often, but it's time to get it right, and really make it stick. This time it could be too important to waste.

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Ephesians 3:14-21 - Damn it's good. Reading it back now its suddenly massively relevant to me in this moment...

"When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen."

It's never easy...

Alrighty then...lets see where my heads at tonight then.

So many people would say it's so simple. Boy meets girl. Boy likes girl, girl likes boy. Sorted, right? What more is there to it? Part of me wishes it was that simple for me. Life is not always easy. Life as a Christian is rarely easy. Trying to build a relationship with someone with God at the center, as the foundation, as the most important part, is never easy.

Over the last few weeks and months, some events have been set in motion that I feel close to certain will carry for the rest of my life. I believe they'll define where I am, who I am & what I'm doing in 10, 20, 30+ years. I've been wrong before though...

I've never blogged directly about relationships before, not in a non-cryptic way, but right now this is something important going on, and as I didn't wake up till till half 2 this afternoon (I was working till 7am, waking up at half 2 was justified I assure you) my mind is very much awake and wandering. When it wanders, I write here.

This isn't a love story, though. I'm not here to pour out my emotion and/or how I feel about someone. I'm not a big fan of the touchy-feely loved up stuff, I don't write about those sort of feelings, it's not for anyone else to see, nor can I see any reason why anyone would be interested in it! I'm writing this because relationships between man & woman are, for many people, one of the most important things in life. I'm one of those people, I place value in those relationships, and thats why I'm writing this. Right now, this is important to me. Hence the headmash that is beginning to unfold before you...!


Some may not believe it, but I've grown up in the last 2 years (November marked 2 years since the end of my last relationship). Not long ago I found I was questioning myself; why do I want a relationship? Who's it for? 2 years ago my answer would have probably have been something like: I want someone to be there, I need that 'feeling' of being in a relationship. I want to be able to be someone that someone else relies on.

I mean sure, being in a relationship with someone who was a christian (as I was) was a bonus, but I'm not sure if it ever made a difference in how I acted or what I said. I never spent time praying with a girl for a relationship, etc. I just didn't think about it. "We're both Christians, thats what matters." Apparently not.

C.S. Lewis said something like...

"If we put first things first, we get second things thrown in. If we put second things first, we lose both the first and the second things."

I think I've said this before in a blog - We don't deserve anything. We are not entitled to grace, or  a roof above our heads, warm clothes, education, even relationships. At no moment will we ever be justified in being unhappy with God for not giving us what we want. We didn't deserve Jesus' sacrifice, but He died for us anyway. We have been given the gift of grace, to know God, to have a relationship with Him. Everything else (yeah, everything) is a blessing from God, they aren't things we can demand.

God comes first. And in his infinite love & majesty, he chooses to bless us with the little things that make life so wonderful. If we start to put those gifts, those blessings ahead of God himself, of course we will lose sight of whats important.

Relationships are no different.

I met a girl about 6 months ago, but didn't see her again till around 4 months ago. And since then, as these things sometimes go, feelings have slowly developed. (I'm sure you don't need details how these things happen...) The more we talked, the more things felt simply 'right'.

When we eventually had that talk, the terrifying one where you reveal to each other that you have 'those' feelings, it was a cold November evening, and I began to understand why I want to be with this girl, the real reason I believe relationships can be such a blessing.

It's not for me, or how it benefits my life. I want a relationship that brings glory to God. To serve together in a way that brings us closer to Him individually & together. I want to witness to those around me, and for the young people I work with to see that a relationship is not simply about boy meets girl - Everything is about God.

And I think, in time, we'll get there. We're not together yet, maybe we never will be, who can know Gods plans? Whats important right now is that God comes first. And if it is His will for this to happen, He must be at the centre.

No kidding though, thats tough. Really tough.

But as she told me, and I'm sure she wouldn't mind me saying, that if & when it does happen, it'll be grounded on months of prayer, seeking God and making Him the most important part.

Talk about building your house on the rock...

Holidayyyyy!

Its been a long time since I sat down to write something here. Lets see if theres any flow to this or if its just me rambling for a page and a half. (Isn’t that what it usually is?)

I’m sitting on a train right now, I’m to see some of my favorite people in the world. My cousin and his wife (that still feels crazy to say) moved to Faversham after their wedding in August and I’m off to spend a couple of days there. Quite awesome.

It is the first venture in a string of massively exciting things happening over the next 4 months.

In 3 weeks, me and 4 friends are going to see one of my favourite bands, Paramore, play at the O2 arena. Can’t wait for that.

Then 2011 starts…(can you believe 2010’s gone so fast?)

It will start in rather epic fashion for myself and a mate from my course, Ben.

He’s taken on a habit of Impulse buying, items include, but are not limited to, iPads, Cameras, and holidays. So he phones me and leaves a message on Friday night, asking if I’d be interested in a holiday. I was in a busy pub and didn’t catch the whole message so we spoke about it on Saturday…he’d already booked and paid for a 7 night all inclusive package to Tunisia for the 2 of us, assuming I’d be up for it. Which I definitely was.

So I’ll be travelling back from Manchester on the 1^st of January, to fly to Monastir, Tunisia on the 2^nd. I intend to play golf and swim a lot.

AND THEN…see it doesn’t end there.

Another semi-impulsive “Andy will be up for this, I’ll buy him a ticket” event, though this time from Jamie…3 of us (+ Ben again) are going to Barcelona in Feb to watch Barca play Bilbao at the Nou Camp. I cant start to imagine how amazing that will be.

Yeah. Massively exciting few months for me. Interspersed with essays, field work (ugh) and lectures.

This is my last year with CYM/St Dunstans now. Again, I cant believe how fast it’s gone. I’m getting asked the same question my almost everyone these days…”What are you doing when you’ve finished?”

All I’ve been able to say is “…take a break?” and this is pretty high up on my to do list when I’ve graduated. I would love a solid few weeks off without thinking about meetings/planning etc.

And after that?

‘Here I am, Send me”

About a year and a half ago, a friend said this phrase (I guess that’s what you’d call it) in conversation, and it really stuck in my mind. So much so that since then it has kind of been engraved on my heart, as the way I want to live.

The idea of letting go of “I want this” or “I want to go there” for my future and simply opening your self to God and saying “I am yours, I’ll work wherever, doing whatever you want me to.”

It’s now tattooed on my left arm (sorry mum). I get some interesting remarks about my tattoos now. Especially when I visit new churches/meet new people. I’m often introduced as the ‘youth worker’ and I think some people are a little taken a back when they see them, at least if they don’t understand them. Tattoo’s have quite a bad rep really. However, I love mine. All of them.

I’ve talked in previous blogs about passion, or lack there-of in the church, and I love it when people say “what does that mean?’ pointing an awkward finger at one of my arms. It gives me a chance to tell someone, Christian or not, of the impact Grace has had on my life, or why its so important for me that God IS the beginning and the end.

I’ve deviated from somewhere…In fairness this blog has absolutely no coherent pattern or goal. It’s been so long since I’ve written anything that I’m literally just typing stuff.

I’m about to get off this train though now, so I’ll leave it there for this one. I’ll try and come back soon with some actual meaningful stuff…maybe. If you still check this page for new stuff, bless you for dealing with the rabble that is my mind on caffeine.

Peace & Grace and all that comes with it.

Andy

Ears Open.

Me: I'm sorry...I've made mistakes...How could you love me?

Him: "I've forgiven you...you have no reason to feel guilty."

Sometimes, you need to take time to listen...you might be amazed at what you'll hear.

Colours

So...

Are you familiar with those days where you seem to be colourless? Of course, not in a literal sense...that would bend reality.

I mean when you're just not all there. You cant make conversation, you lack a certain...mojo.

Grey days, perhaps. Life's happening in black and white, and for no particular reason, your moods just off.

At the other end of the scale there are bright days. When you wake up right, everything goes fine and its just a 'good day'. Again, for no obvious reason.

It's an interesting phenomena really. I dont know why theres often such a big swing. Im not sure I often have 'in the middle' days. I'm either in a good mood or a not good mood. And its not usually because of something happening...its just the way it is.

This was brought on for 2 reasons; 1, I'm tired of grey days. And 2, the song 'Colourful' by The Verve Pipe came on random today. I love that song to bits, and I've played it quite a lot. I recorded it today, so see below.

Whats peculiar is that this song is not worship, its clearly about a girl, but I sing it as worship. Theres bits in there about someone believing in you when no-one else does, and how that person will love you whether you are 'colourful' or 'grey'. I don't know, I guess thats how I feel God see's me sometimes.

Here's to some brighter days *raises glass*

The scariest thing about this video, beyond the horrible strings, is how much I've inherited my dads guitar frown. Dear me...

Oh look, it's late. My brain feels like spewing.

When I started these blogs they were a very regular occurrence. Not so much anymore.

I seem to have lost interest in being interesting lately. (Note: This is not to say I consider my self more interesting than the average person, no arrogance intended. I'm perfectly happy being as interesting as anyone finds me. If thats "really boring and dull" then get a job, stop reading the blogs of boring people.

Anyway...

There are many frustrating things about working for a church. MANY. Here, though, is what I have found to be the worst thing: I haven't sat down to read my bible for personal studying etc in...well, I couldn't tell you how long.

When being a Christian is your "job" it seems to become second nature that you leave "work" and...don't really carry on working.

It's really tragic. I had a youtube account for a while. With actual videos. Of me talking. I watched a couple tonight (I removed them from the internets but still have them on the computer), and other than just being a bit weird it made me realise how much I have changed in the short short space of about 10 months. I seemed so confident in my analysis of different things...I feel like I'm back to square one these days.

Oddly, I quite like that. I'm not a fan of being the one with answers. I really enjoy being able to say "look...I really don't know."

For a long time my faith has been based on the simple matter that Jesus died for me...thats quite enough. I don't need to know much else...I don't have to have the answers to creation vs evolution, predestination, whether heaven has a burger stand...it's not important to me. Except the burger thing.

I think throughout my life, even in the darkest times, the foundations of my faith have been there. The firm belief that God is there...and he's huge. I'm not sure I've ever turned my back on him, but I have wandered aimlessly away. Like the little lad who see's an ice cream van in the park and bolts, forgetting he needs mum to go with, cause she has the money to pay for the cornetto.

Ok, that was a ridiculous metaphor, but it makes perfect sense in my head so we'll go with it.

I guess this is just a mass rambling thats ultimately saying...I'm a bit lost. I'm disillusioned with youth work. Or more accurately what it takes to be a 'proper' youth worker. Genuinely, I just want to help kids. I don't want money or a big house. I just want to help. But apparently I need a degree for that. And so far, I'm pretty sure I was better off personally to help before I had a degree course turning me into a robot.

I'm a fast typer though, so swings & roundabouts...

I miss that feeling...the genuine happiness at everything. Its been replaced once again with cynicism and selfishness.

So, God...I know you read my blog. Get rid please & help me just 'be' again.

P.S. The sun's awesome. Keep it up.

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There you go. A true headmash, if ever I saw one.

Weight gain 4000!!! BEEFCAKE!

Greetings!

It has certainly been a while.

This blog is going to be about something a little different to what I 'usually' write about.

Summer is here! I have a massive pile of work still to do, but I had my last day of lectures today. I'm officially a 3rd year. My, how the time has flown. I'm convinced I'm still getting into my stride with this degree stuff...

So, one of our course-mates is leaving the course to go to uni in Chester for her 3rd year (ironic...) and we had a leaving meal for her last night. We were at an all you can eat chinese/thai/indian restaurant, and I actually ate 3 platefuls, which was amazing, considering how little I eat from other cultures. Had piles of noodles, rice and spicy lamb...stuff. Slowly but surely my palette is developing.

Anyway, during this meal someone mentioned they needed to lose weight...a topic that must regularly come up at all you can eat restaurants. This was echo'd by the majority of folks round the table. And so the challenge was set, lose a stone over the summer. Not to be left out, myself and a couple of other 'less porky' lads said we should be on to gain a stone over summer.

Weigh in was this morning. I weigh just under 9 stone (meaning i've lost half a stone somewhere in the last year and a half). I am way way waaaay too small. So my mission over summer...on top of the whole trying to complete the mass of work i have left to do: Reach 10 stone by September 7th.


Many people will know I have a retarded fast metabolism and this weight gain could be easier said than done, so if you have tips for piling on the pounds I'd love to hear them!

As for EVERYTHING else going on...well, I'll write again shortly.

For now, enjoy the sun. Love & grace to you, and sorry to those who've told me they like reading this stuff, I've been pretty non-existent for a while!

Peace!

Good morning. Literally.

It's 6am. Today is the third day in a row I've sat in the east facing room next to mine and watched the sun rise and explode over the trees and in through the window. It's one of the very few things that gives me a sense of majesty and wonder lately. 


Sometime soon maybe that light will brighten up a few other things that are being kept in the shade right now. I'd like that.  


Until then, I'll sit and watch the 5am sunrise and be thankful I have been blessed with the emotion to hope.

Underwhelmed?

I'll write a proper blog again soon. For now, a song hit me pretty hard this morning:

"I keep expecting so much, but I see little in return. I'm desperate for the deeper moments, but nothing happens. I'm needing meaning in this life, it seems I'm carrying too much. Everything I've known has come into question, lessons I've learned just seem to tear apart.

You promised me so much when I began to walk with You. You said we'd change the world together but now it just seems we are nowhere further on.


And I am Underwhelmed again, I'm wanting more than you are giving. Is there more than I am seeing? There must be more than this.

So i'm at the lowest low now. Thinking its time to can it all. I need a breakthrough from the nothing, but I'm remembering your call...where it all started. Hearing fresh Your voice again, something calling me to press on. And suddenly, I find myself bowing down...

And I am overwhelmed, I hear Your voice still calling for me.

Overwhelmed again. Remembering all You've made for me.

Overwhelmed again. Not deserving all You're giving.

Overwhelmed again. Another chance at truly living..."

I seem to constantly find myself 'underwhelmed' lately. I guess its important to keep reminding myself that even through the darkness I am loved and saved by an almighty, compassionate and straight up epic God.

"For You"

"Its been a while since you walked the earth,

That doesn’t mean I cant go on, living life

‘cause I live it for You, each and every day.

My heart it burns, my heart it burns, it burns inside for You.

Even till this day, I still live my life for You…for You.

For you I will pay, ‘take everything’ I pray

For You…for You I will pay.

The selfishness in me I see in you,

Can’t you see He died for you too?

Are you not ashamed? You’re living just for you.

Take it all away, take it all away,

My sin, my shame, the cost: I’ll die for You.

Take it all away, take it all away,

My greed, my lust, I give it all to You.”

I overslept today. Missed my lecture.

I’m on the coach now. A song just popped up on shuffle that I haven’t heard in about 3 years. Which brings me to the random spewed nonsense you see above.

I wrote it when I was 17. Its horrible, the lyrical structure makes no sense, its incredibly generic in its verse-chorus makeup, and is just generally not very good at all. But my word…

I’d die to have that passion back right now.

The sun is shining...or at least it will be...

Y'know what.

I'm feeling pretty good.

Perhaps blissfull ignorance is a good thing at times, as allowing myself to forget about my work for a week or so has been pretty good. Home was cool. I didnt do much, mooched about a bit, watched too much tv, etc. But I got a break. I left my laptop charger in london, so I couldnt work while I was there, which was annoying, but I was forced to stop.

And now, for whatever reason, I'm smiling a lot more. I dont know what about.

I've been thinking a lot about summer, and next year. I cannot wait for this year to end really. Theres a lot to do, but the reward will be, at least I hope, a fantastic summer and a simply amazing experience in year 3 at uni.

Summer is going to involve the weddings of a good friend and my best friend, a week in a cottage by the beach, Soul Survivor, Momentum, and a genuine chance to stop for a while, spend time in the sun. Good food, good beer, good company is the name of the game. Though perhaps not strictly in that order.

Year 3....why am I excited about that? Dissertation, hard work, etc etc.

You see, I'm currently working for two qualifactions. One of those I earn at the end of this year (assuming I pass...). That means next year I have about 25-30 thousand LESS words, although I pick up a 10,000 word dissertation, which I am actually looking forward to doing. A big chunk of what I do currently will be no more though. I will be a professionally trained youth worker. Which, in my case, will mean more responsibility at work, and the degree work will be tough...but I'm actually really excited about it.

Some people will also be leaving the course at the end of the year, which could be a good thing. That is no mark on my feelings towards my course mates, theres noone I really dislike or dont/cant get on with, but if a 20 student group becomes a 15 student group...I dont know, I think even if people I love move on it'll make a tighter student group. I just feel really good about it.

Course...step 1 is the 16,000 words that sit in front of me in the next month and a half...

If you're of the praying pursuasion, I would appreciate the help = ]

Anyway...this is perhaps the dullest stuff I have ever written. But it is the first time in a while I've felt genuinely positive, so I thought I'd share.

Bless you all. It's bed time now...back to lectures...and essay results. Joyous.

Peace, and all that comes with it.

Going home!

Good evening.

I haven't blogged 'properly' in quite a while. Not in a way you might recognise the person writing the words.

How's it going folks?

I've been pretty distant to everything recently, not just blogging. My parents will tell you that when faced with genuine challenges, my natural reaction is to retract myself, into a metaphorical turtle shell to shield myself from failure. It's not a good way of dealing with things, nor does it make you feel good. What it does do is numbs your emotion. The result being I don't stress. But I also don't thrive.

I am in my prime when I release that, throw off the shell, shake off fear of failure and challenge myself. For a while I did that, and a mix of work and being tempted away from stuff that will keep me close to God (see The Screwtape Letters) have ultimately meant I've just tripped up. Again. I've not even been to worship at my 'other' church for about 2-3 months because I've been working every week. I need to fix that...I miss it.

Anyway. Far from simply saying "bahhh I fail at this 'life' thing", I'm feeling more positive tonight. Not sure why, I think its something to do with going home tomorrow morning. It's an odd thing, living at home I could not wait to get out. In the later years I did not enjoy living at home. While at times fine, at others it was just about bearable...now I love being home for a week. Its peculiar that the relationships in families get better when you can spend time apart, whereas with nearly any other type of relationship they grow with time spent together...strange, non?

Oui.

So yes. Back to Manchester. Im going to spend tomorrow night with the brother. A few pints, a "healthy" meal, and a film of some sort. One that makes us go "AWWWESOME!" would be pretty sweet. 'Pokemon: The Movie - 7' it is then.

I dont see my parents until saturday or something stupid. They're away doing something with someone else somewhere. If I listened more I'd probably know.

In my work I've spent a lot of time with people who don't have a good relationship with their parents or siblings, and I feel exceptionally lucky to have my family. I can only live with them for about 2 weeks before the nagging from mum kicks in and I have to come back to London but I wouldn't change it. I love them, and I owe them the world because their support is a part of what makes me want to keep going.

See, if I failed this course I'd have to move back in with them.

OOONLY JOKING! Sort of, I'm not sure.

Forgive the sentiment, its late. Mum will probably cry when she reads this. That'll be fun.

So a break it is. A week at home, time to relax. And when I come back there will be no shell for me to hide in.

Fix me please.

I miss you.

What if...?

What if you’re right,
And he was just another nice guy?
What if you’re right?
What if it’s true?
They say the cross will only make a fool of you...
And what if it’s true?

What if he takes his place in history,
With all the prophets and the kings,
Who taught us love and came in peace
But then the story ends...?

What then?

But what if you’re wrong?
What if there’s more?
What if there’s hope you never dreamed of hoping for?
What if you jump?
And just close your eyes?
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise?
What if He’s more than enough?
 

...What if it’s love?

A conversation with myself...

So raw. It's late, and this is my thought process right now.
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You doin well?

.....

No?

.....

Bummer, whys that?


......


Wait, what do you mean 'apathetic' ??

.......

Ok. Stop there. Theres this dude. You might know him. He was pretty important a few years back. Heard of him? Yeah, you what time of year it is?

You talk about it, but you can't even BEGIN to understand what He went through. You realise that after the beating and torture he endured its more than likely he was barely recognisable when He got to the cross? Mocked, bullied, abused and ridiculed. And I know you know the stuff that came before that: betrayed, denied, rejected, sentenced, all that stuff.

Filled with a sorrow and sadness deeper than you will ever understand, yet with nothing but love in His heart, He stretched out his arms on the cross, and Jesus died for you.

I know you know this. 'Cause I know the moments you find to be at peace with yourself you hear Jesus in things you love most:

"Everything I do...I do it for you"

"I will try to fix you..."

"It was all for you..."

"Refined, You'll become the most dazzling precious treasure..."

"Did you know that I love you?"

Apathetic???! Dont you DARE...I know you know this, and if you're too lazy to spend the rest of your life in thanksgiving for it, I dont want to know you.

So get off your backside. Stand up, and thank Him...with every second you're alive.

'Cause even with that you will fall a thousand miles short of repaying the debt you owe.

It's Been a While...

And that I apologise for. I've not felt very interesting for quite a while now, and I'm not overly keen on writing for the sake of it. I'd also rather not write a self pitying "THE WORLD HATES ME" type blog.

It's been a tough few weeks. Midyear deadline nearly killed me, and I was so far from happy with the end result that I'm actually frustrated.

See, I've pretty much lost my motivation to do anything at the moment. I failed hideously at my new year resolutions, but right now I'd be happy if I just got a bit of the fire - that drove me to make them - back.

When I sit down to work, no words come. When I'm preparing youth work sessions I've lost all my creativity. Even that buzz of emotion when I worship my God has numbed to a point where I barely feel it.


As usual, I cant explain it. Its probably all on me, my own lack of discipline, that I am the way I am right now.

No, not probably. It is all on me.

Heres what I fully dont understand though...I'm not working right now. If I were an analogue clock I would have a cog or two out of place. What I dont get is if I want to be fixed, why am I so unmotivated to work at mending myself?

Is it unnacceptable to just wait for God to pick me up again?

I wish I could just stand firm alongside God, instead of Him having to prop me up all the time.

I wish I could do my part.

I wish I wasn't so short-fallen in my thanksgiving.

I wish I didnt have to wish...

"Lord show me the way, as I give myself to you"

Below are the lyrics to one of my favorite songs at the moment. Have a read...

"I trust in you for life to live, and air to breath.
Purity fills my lungs.
I no longer live in solitude.
No longer bound.
My heart beats with great devotion.
This is the start to a new beginning.
On my knees praying for mercy.
Hands raised high, humble and broken.
Wanting your grace.
Wanting your security.
Memories of laying facedown, motionless, with such a hollow feeling inside.
Soon I would end this life I was living.
I am just a man with a heart and sinful hands.
I am a fallen victim.
Lord, show me the way...
I ask of you Father, let my words be your words.
Let my thoughts be your thoughts.
To you, I give my praise.
Show me the way. Take me in your arms. Never let me go.
Lord, show me the way, as I give myself to you.
Never let me go.
Hold me with your everlasting love.
Be my strength. Be my voice. Be my glory. Set me free..."

Arrrrghh so profound....now...have a listen...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JLI41hJ8MxM

Who said you can't praise with screams? = ]

They have always been there to brace your fall...

Y'know what. I am going to talk tonight. Mostly due to the fact that I went to bed, slept for an hour, woke up again and...well...here I am.

Odd personal fact: I'm at my most creative between the hours of 2am and 5am. This is when I write my best uni work, when I have the best conversations, etc. I dunno if its something about the late night that makes me more honest or heartfelt, its just the way it goes.

So, as previous blogs show, I'm not doin' so good lately. It's peculiar, and while I cant pinpoint exactly whats wrong, I think there are a few contributing factors.

Note: This is not going to be a constant whine, with me moaning about everything thats bad. Stick it out...

- Lot of work, very little motivation.

Journals, fieldwork, child protection, management and administration, etc. All this professional stuff I have to write about in order to be qualified as a youth worker. My heart for my work has always been, and more so lately, a genuine will to help young people know Jesus...not know the easter story, not know the true meaning of christmas, not know the bible stories, know Jesus. Thats J-E-S-U-S. That dude who breathed stars, clicked the earth into existence, filled it with everything we know, then became a mortal in His creation for the purpose of sacrificing His own pure life so that the dirt and the scum that filled the world could be made clean again through a relationship with the guy who started it all.

When I think about it like that, I really don't give a squirrels left nut to the idea of:

'we had an incident tonight where one of my volunteer youth workers left the room to go the toilet, and I spent 3 minutes on my own with 21 young people. I must take steps to ensure we have the correct number of leaders at each event so this does not become an issue in the future.'

Get me? Someone said in our lectures yesterday, that if they had to break child protection laws, to the extent that it would cost them their job, to ensure the safety of a young person in their care, he would do it in a heartbeat. Me too. If I'd rather act out of love than professionalism, does that mean I'm not going to be an appropriate youth worker? If so...guess I'm in the wrong place.

- Not many people to lean on...

This I struggle to talk about. I guess it makes me vulnerable, which is a little disconcerting, but I think I need to write about it.

I spend a lot of time on my own. So much, in fact, that I'm probably considered by a lot of people to be quite introvert. But honestly...like, really, really honestly, I'm pretty lonely a fair amount of the time, and I love to spend time with people. I love to chat, have "deep'n'meaningfuls", joke over a couple of pints, etc etc, you know the drills I'm sure.

For a while, there was someone I spoke to daily who helped me more than they know but, for whatever the reasons, circumstances changed and its different now. But thats fine...I guess what I don't quite understand is why I'm starting to feel lonely, or wanting the company of friends more now, when for the better part of a year, my life was no different to how it is currently (if anything, I'm closer now to my friends at uni, my brother, my parents, and some people I work with), and I was perfectly ok with it!

Some of this...well, a lot of this probably comes back to my relationship with God.

Matt Theissen wrote: "Loneliness and solitude are two things not to get confused, because I spend my solitude with You."

Now...Yes, totally agree there. My question is, if I was happy being 'alone', was it because of my relationship with God? Because since summer, my beliefs and my faith has taken such a surge forward just in terms of its day by day, minute by minute impact on what I do, how come I'm struggling more with being lonely now than I was before?

I think..emphasis on THINK, that because of this step forward I took, I now have the inevitable 'anything less than everything is not good enough' feeling. With my relationship with God, I expect more of myself than I did last year, and when I fall dramatically short of that, it hurts, cause He deserves more than what I'm giving. Does that make me feel I'm not doing my part to make a relationship with Him work? Maybe...anyway, I've deviated...

"The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord."

No, I'm not saying "GOD TOOK AWAY MY FRIEND *sadface*". I am suggesting, however, that for whatever reason things change in life, for better or for worse, the Lords name must always be praised, for without Him, I am nothing.

Does the starved man who hasn't eaten in weeks look the plate of food he's been given, look up and say "I don't like potatoes...get me something better."

It would be foolish for me to complain, no?

So what am I saying? Lets face it, God owes me nothing, its not my place to demand or expect anything from Him. But in a strictly earthly sense, I guess its hard doing everything on my own while I'm down here. I miss having a best friend.

This might seem harsh to some people who I genuinely love, and who support me through a lot. At the extreme risk of sounding sentimental, you do know who you are, I properly appreciate you, and I'm sure you know exactly where I'm coming from anyway.

But, for the time being, this is how it's going to be. Its not great, but I'm not complaining. If everything was always perfect, happiness would not be an emotion. God has always been there to brace my fall, theres not even the smallest bit in me that wants to give up on him now.

Bedtime reading?

It all seems so simple...

"So in everything, do to others as you would have them do to you, for on this rests all the Law and the Prophets."

Matthew 7:12

If I wasn't dying from lack of sleep, and if I didn't have a silly 7 days lined up, I'd love to talk more about that single verse.

But for now, just a simple thought. Could it possibly all be that simple?

"SIRRRR, ITS BROKE"

"Never is the enemy's cause more in danger than when a believer, who looks around too see that all traces of God in the world in which they live have vanished, asks why they have been forsaken...but still follow Him." - C.S. Lewis

Maybe its not that bad. I don't quite feel forsaken yet. I've seen better times. I guess some stuff is getting to me. 'Cause really...the world sucks. Everywhere I look, I find pain, injustice, the worst kind of lies. It's everywhere, and it just breaks my heart.

Chatting to a friend last night, he brought some stuff up that just made me want to be sick.

Take, for example, the 'pro-ana' and 'pro-mia' websites. Two sites for young girls that encourage to follow the gods 'Ana' & 'Mia', as they will provide true beauty. Worked it out?

Anorexia and Bulimia. These sites have thousands of girls 'committing' to lifestyles of intense eating disorders, believing that, as the website tells them, they will only be attractive when they are less than a size zero.

Ok, how about the billboards popping up at junctions. The slogan reads "The grass is always greener..."

New website thats started up, quite popular already. Its a dating site for married men and women who want to have an affair.

Seriously...what?!

This is scratching the surface. I've already blogged a bit about the frustrations I have with the 'false christians', the type that believe if someone is gay they have no right to know God, or the ones that will reject anyone who doesn't agree with them.

What about the people in the world that are happy selling children as prostitutes?

What about the people that are happy to force an 8 year old to work 14 hours a day in a brick factory for no pay?

It frustrates me that I'm blind to a lot of what God is doing at the moment. It doesn't help that, in all honesty, my relationship with Him sucks at the moment. It just seems I'm noticing all the worst things, everywhere. I'm sure...no, I know God is doing amazing things countless times a day, whether I see them or not.

The hard truth is this world is so flipping broken its silly. The fact there are pro-bulimia, pro-anorexia and pro-adultery people in this country is just the start. The devil is properly having his way with some things, and that pisses me off.

What gets me more, is I'm pretty sure satan is throwing everything he can at me to bring me down. He actually thinks he can have me.

Heres the punchline though, I've seen God. I could spend the rest of my life with nothing, never seeing another glimpse of His glory, and I'll still blindly obey Him before I give you anything.

So go for it. Bring it on. You'll only lose, and that will make you weaker.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Apologies for the apocolyptic-ness there!

Word of advice, that I will try to follow myself; Keep your eyes open for the blessings. They might not be easy to spot, but they're there. It was Paul who said that, as Christians, we should be joyful in sorrow. And so I once again finish with the verse I am living my life by at the moment:

"That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

It's Monday morning, welcome to a fresh week. Make the most of it folks!

Edit: Lecture just started. 7 hours on 'Situation Ethics'. This could be a genuinely interesting day.

Edit 2: End of lectures, almost. All day on euthanasia...I'm not even gonna think about blogging on whats going round my head this evening.

BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ.

There is a fly in my room.

No there's not, not today. I'm quite buzzing today. I overslept a ridiculous amount (although you could argue that its saturday, therefore oversleeping does not exist) but I'm feeling pretty good.

I'm buzzing cause at youth club last night, we had 21 kids there. We usually average like, I dunno, 7 or 8 tops, but last night about 10 new guys showed up as well as some people who haven't been for aaaages.

That was good. We've also been given £1500 to spend on a film project over the next 3 months, where we'll be making a professional quality short film about...well...we don't know yet. That should be pretty awesome too though.

Maaaan this is the least personal blog i've ever written. Sorry if you wanted deep and meaningful, its far too early on a saturday for that. Maybe later.

In other news, the sky is blue today. The sun is out. Not many things put me in a better mood than that.

Enjoy whats left of your day, folks. I'm going to put on some incredibly loud music and make myself some lunch!

Just a quick thought for the day...

My God is all I need...

All I should want...

All I should crave for...

All I should dream of...

He really is my everything, I am nothing without Him.

I wish I didnt want for anything else, but sometimes its hard to realise this.

To be continued...

Bloop.

I wish I was joking.

'When I Survey' just makes me cry.

http://open.spotify.com/track/123fcgoBkYOuT8PTT0QZgP

Feeling pretty numb.

I feel pretty crap, in all fairness. I'm quite upset.

Strangely, having thought about this before it happened, I'm upset for different reasons to what I'd expect. Funny how that happens, huh. The worst thing is I cant fix it. That sucks.

I apologise, thats pretty cryptic. I'm not gonna explain it, it's not really fair, and thats not what I want to write about.

Right now, I'm on the Oxford tube, just leaving lectures. It's been a long couple of days. Lectures always are long, back to back 8 hour days, plus the travelling there and back (2+ hours a journey). So I'm pretty exhausted right now. I also didn't get a whole lot of sleep sunday night. I lay awake for quite a while, eventually slept and woke up after maybe 4 hours. That was nice. I woke up like 5 or 6 times last night as well, which is pretty rare. Anyway, I don't know why that matters. My point being I like travelling, cause It usually gives me an opportunity to be on my own with fewer distractions. Just that at the moment my brain is running a little slower than usual.

Ahhh, what do I want to say...

Flippin' heck man, too much. I want to talk about my mistakes. I want to talk about what grinds at me even though I feel I should be able to be at such a stage of peace in my heart that I can take it with good grace. I want to explain about everything that scares me, even though I know what it says in Psalm 23. I want to explain about how I feel so far short of being deserving of Gods grace. I want to explain how I WISH I had more confidence to talk about Jesus. Even more confidence to go up and talk to people I don't really know.

Argh, there are just too many words.

I have come so far in a year. Thats not a remark out of ego, thats a merit on Jesus changing me. But I'm still so far from where I think God wants me to be. What steps can I take? What can I do? How do I.....get better?

"If you can worship Him in times of joy, then you can lean on Him in times of struggle."

Right now is a time of struggle. Maybe its trying to lean on Him thats making me feel guilty...but then I remember His promise.

"Come to me, all who are burdened , weary and in need of rest, and I will give you strength."

If I don't stop here I'm going to ramble on and on and on, I'm that tired. I'll maybe say more on all this when I'm coming off a decent night sleep, but I want to leave you with this;

"That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Amen.

I wish I felt like this all the time...

Too much to do.

Much to be annoyed about. Much to be grateful for.

My head is next to an explosion. So much work. Deadlines.

I'm frustrated and angry at myself. I'm humbled.

I'm asking questions that I wonder whether or not I should be asking of myself.

But tonight...right now, none of that matters. All that matters right now is Jesus.

I wish I could even start to put into words how much I love Him. Its not possible.

More snow, positive changes & making things right.

It's snowing. Really really heavily!

Just got in from a wander and it's so awesome outside! Proper snow! Tomorrow should be interesting as I'm predicting snow days all round, so I'm gonna head to the park where there will no doubt be the mother of all snowball fights. Should be fun.

Anyway, when I walk on my own, I think a lot. It's good for me. I think alot when I'm at home, but thats usually not so good...I cant explain why. This is why my new years resolution #1 is to spend an hour walking round outside daily, not with anywhere to go, just for the purpose of being outside.

That is #1 in what is the biggest list of new years resolutions I have ever made. It's pretty dramatic, but here they are.

#1 - 1 hour outside every day, just for the sake of it. Walking to certain places/meetings/work does not count.

#2 - Up at 9am at the latest every day for personal morning worship. I've never quite settled into worship on my own. I've never given it priority. Time to change that! Every morning, 2 or 3 songs of worship, just in my room on my own. Every day should be about Him, and singing is just how I am best able to praise him, so its time to start doing it every day. (If I have to be up before 9am anyway, get up 20 minutes before to make time for this...except on lecture days. My landlords wouldnt appreciate being woken at 6am I dont think...)

#3 - Minimum 1 hours reading every day, seperate from personal Bible study. I have so many books in my room now. I just got back from a meeting with my line manager where I brought home another 9 or 10 that have been sitting in my old room. I fail at reading most of the time, but when I do, I get alot out of it (see previous blog!). Therefore it makes sense to read more...!

#4 - At least 2-3 chapters of the Bible to be read every day. Not much to explain there, I know I need to read it more. So I will.

#5 - 1000 words of work every week. Journals, essays, etc. 1000 words a week without being crap and putting it off.

#6 - Prayer diary. This I have started already. I have a notebook now, from front to back I'm going to write my personal prayers down, what I want to say to God etc etc etc. From back to front, the things I need to pray for others. My youth, friends, work, etc. I am simply amazing at forgetting to pray for things that people have asked me to pray for. Why has it taken me so long to start this?!

I'm pretty sure thats it. And I honestly want to do my very best to stick to it, but knowing me I will lose focus and just start to fail massively. Maybe all this makes me sound pretencious or whatever, if it does thats really not intended. I do want to be a better person than I have been though, and I reckon this is a good start at getting there.

Why am I telling you this? Cause I know if people are aware of what I'm trying to do, it'll make me more determined to get do it. I know theres a few people who read this now. So...keep me honest. Text, email, phone, facebook, whatever, keep me accountable. I would really, really appreciate it = ]

Enjoy the snow if you have it too! It's even heavier now than when I started. That means its play time. Awesome.

Learning to walk...

This year is going to be tougher than I expected.

Back in London, after a nice, chilled couple of weeks back at home with the family, and I'm now faced with a bit of a wall that needs to be scaled.

I'm sure many of you are familiar with 'phases', in terms of where you're at with God/your faith/passion, etc. Sometimes your on top of the world...so close to God you could reach out and touch him. Other times, everything gets a bit...dry.

For a week or two now, I've been struggling. I've had these type of 'phases' plenty before. Many times when I went on camps and stuff a few years ago, I'd come back on a 'spiritual high', promise myself I'll keep to my word, read my bible more, pray more, worship more, etc etc. And then for whatever reason, my focus goes and that passion dries up.

This time....it's different.

This time I dont think its through lack of effort. It's not from me forgetting to pray, neglecting the bible or anything like that. I've just hit a wall. I can't explain why, a month ago I was, to use the common metaphor, on fire. Somewhere over that month, I lost it.

Whats so different this time, though, is that it hasnt affected my will so much. I still believe everything I did, I still want to worship, I still want to do His work. Its just that spark, the one that makes me smile everywhere I go, the one that makes me want to dance through the park on my way to work (I wish I was joking...), it's not there right now.

And when that sparks not there, It makes everything much harder than it should be.

Even so...I dont think theres any reason to panic. Not yet.

On my way home yesterday, I was reading a book, as you do. I came across a chapter that made a huge amount of sense to me. The book is the Screwtape Letters. Its a collection of letters between two demons of hell, one higher up, known as a 'chief tempter' called Screwtape, and one a 'trainee tempter' named Wormwood, who is Screwtapes nephew. The idea is that these demons are assigned to a human, and their job is to drag them down, eventually to a point where their souls belong to hell. They often refer to 'the Enemy' (God), and his 'wretched plans to keep souls away from hell.' It's not a satanic book, dont worry. It's in fact the opposite, it's purpose is to show that there may be unpleasant powers at work, but the reality is they have no real power against God.

To be more specific, the chapter I was reading was about the man (or 'subject') reaching a stage in his faith where there are struggles. He's passed that phase where he first became a Christian, and that fire has started to dull. Screwtape writes to his nephew about how dangerous this time can be, in that how a subject behaves during their more difficult times is much more important than how they are when everythings peachy.

These two bits from the book hit me like a freight train, and i've not stopped thinking about them since.

"He will set them off with communications of His presence which, though faint, seem great to them (humans), with emotional sweetness, and easy conquest over temptation. But He never allows this state of affairs to last long. Sooner or later He withdraws, if not in fact, at least from their concious experience, all those supports and incentives. He leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs - to carry out, from will alone, the duties which have lost all relish. It is during such trough periods, much more than during the peak periods, that it is growing into the sort of creature He wants it to be, hence the prayers offered in the state of dryness are those which please Him best."

The second, and maybe more amazing to me, was this:

"He wants them to learn to walk, and must therefore take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there, He is pleased even with their stumbles. Do not be decieved, Wormwood. Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him (God) seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys."

Ultimately, its a fictional book. Its not the Bible, and I cant take it literally. But it does make a huge amount of sense in terms of whats going on right now. My first term this year was pretty sensational in terms of how much my relationship with God developed. Maybe I've reached the point where it's time for God to let go of my hand, and let me stand on my own 2 feet for a while.

This is not to suggest he's abandoning me. When a toddler learns to walk, the parent has to take their hand away and allow the child to gain some balance, but its not like they get up and leave them to it. In a similar way, I'm positive God is still watching me, ready to pick me up when I faceplant (which I inevitably will).

I'll be honest. When I cant feel God, I dont like it. It kills my confidence and self belief in what I'm doing. It actually sucks, but maybe its something we all have to go through. To quote my favorite lyricist:

"How can I trust somewhere the sun is always shining?"

My question now though...do we ever get to a point where we have stumbled enough, and can walk with God without ever having to live without that spark? Or is that what heaven is...?

Something to strive for...

This came my way recently. I read it through today, and I wanted to share it with you. If you're like me, you arent good at keeping new years resolutions. In fact, I suck at it.

So how about this, think of the following as something to strive towards for the rest of your life.

As far as i'm aware, its a prayer that was spoken by St Francis of Asissi, but in different words.


"Daddy...here I am. Send me.

Where there is hatred, let me show love.
Where there is hurt, let me bring healing.
Where there is doubt, let me show faith.
Where there is despair, let me bring hope.
Where there is darkness, let me show your light.
Where there is sadness, let me bring joy.

Father...may my heart truly seek:
not to be consoled, but to console,
not to be understood, but to understand.
not to be loved, but to love.

For it is in giving that we recieve.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned.
It is in dying that we are born into eternal life.

Daddy...here I am. Send me."

Maybe, by His grace, I'll actually be able to follow this through one day = ]