This year is going to be tougher than I expected.
Back in London, after a nice, chilled couple of weeks back at home with the family, and I'm now faced with a bit of a wall that needs to be scaled.
I'm sure many of you are familiar with 'phases', in terms of where you're at with God/your faith/passion, etc. Sometimes your on top of the world...so close to God you could reach out and touch him. Other times, everything gets a bit...dry.
For a week or two now, I've been struggling. I've had these type of 'phases' plenty before. Many times when I went on camps and stuff a few years ago, I'd come back on a 'spiritual high', promise myself I'll keep to my word, read my bible more, pray more, worship more, etc etc. And then for whatever reason, my focus goes and that passion dries up.
This time....it's different.
This time I dont think its through lack of effort. It's not from me forgetting to pray, neglecting the bible or anything like that. I've just hit a wall. I can't explain why, a month ago I was, to use the common metaphor, on fire. Somewhere over that month, I lost it.
Whats so different this time, though, is that it hasnt affected my will so much. I still believe everything I did, I still want to worship, I still want to do His work. Its just that spark, the one that makes me smile everywhere I go, the one that makes me want to dance through the park on my way to work (I wish I was joking...), it's not there right now.
And when that sparks not there, It makes everything much harder than it should be.
Even so...I dont think theres any reason to panic. Not yet.
On my way home yesterday, I was reading a book, as you do. I came across a chapter that made a huge amount of sense to me. The book is the Screwtape Letters. Its a collection of letters between two demons of hell, one higher up, known as a 'chief tempter' called Screwtape, and one a 'trainee tempter' named Wormwood, who is Screwtapes nephew. The idea is that these demons are assigned to a human, and their job is to drag them down, eventually to a point where their souls belong to hell. They often refer to 'the Enemy' (God), and his 'wretched plans to keep souls away from hell.' It's not a satanic book, dont worry. It's in fact the opposite, it's purpose is to show that there may be unpleasant powers at work, but the reality is they have no real power against God.
To be more specific, the chapter I was reading was about the man (or 'subject') reaching a stage in his faith where there are struggles. He's passed that phase where he first became a Christian, and that fire has started to dull. Screwtape writes to his nephew about how dangerous this time can be, in that how a subject behaves during their more difficult times is much more important than how they are when everythings peachy.
These two bits from the book hit me like a freight train, and i've not stopped thinking about them since.
"He will set them off with communications of His presence which, though faint, seem great to them (humans), with emotional sweetness, and easy conquest over temptation. But He never allows this state of affairs to last long. Sooner or later He withdraws, if not in fact, at least from their concious experience, all those supports and incentives. He leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs - to carry out, from will alone, the duties which have lost all relish. It is during such trough periods, much more than during the peak periods, that it is growing into the sort of creature He wants it to be, hence the prayers offered in the state of dryness are those which please Him best."The second, and maybe more amazing to me, was this:
"He wants them to learn to walk, and must therefore take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there, He is pleased even with their stumbles. Do not be decieved, Wormwood. Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him (God) seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys."Ultimately, its a fictional book. Its not the Bible, and I cant take it literally. But it does make a huge amount of sense in terms of whats going on right now. My first term this year was pretty sensational in terms of how much my relationship with God developed. Maybe I've reached the point where it's time for God to let go of my hand, and let me stand on my own 2 feet for a while.
This is not to suggest he's abandoning me. When a toddler learns to walk, the parent has to take their hand away and allow the child to gain some balance, but its not like they get up and leave them to it. In a similar way, I'm positive God is still watching me, ready to pick me up when I faceplant (which I inevitably will).
I'll be honest. When I cant feel God, I dont like it. It kills my confidence and self belief in what I'm doing. It actually sucks, but maybe its something we all have to go through. To quote my favorite lyricist:
"How can I trust somewhere the sun is always shining?"My question now though...do we ever get to a point where we have stumbled enough, and can walk with God without ever having to live without that spark? Or is that what heaven is...?
