Strangely, having thought about this before it happened, I'm upset for different reasons to what I'd expect. Funny how that happens, huh. The worst thing is I cant fix it. That sucks.
I apologise, thats pretty cryptic. I'm not gonna explain it, it's not really fair, and thats not what I want to write about.
Right now, I'm on the Oxford tube, just leaving lectures. It's been a long couple of days. Lectures always are long, back to back 8 hour days, plus the travelling there and back (2+ hours a journey). So I'm pretty exhausted right now. I also didn't get a whole lot of sleep sunday night. I lay awake for quite a while, eventually slept and woke up after maybe 4 hours. That was nice. I woke up like 5 or 6 times last night as well, which is pretty rare. Anyway, I don't know why that matters. My point being I like travelling, cause It usually gives me an opportunity to be on my own with fewer distractions. Just that at the moment my brain is running a little slower than usual.
Ahhh, what do I want to say...
Flippin' heck man, too much. I want to talk about my mistakes. I want to talk about what grinds at me even though I feel I should be able to be at such a stage of peace in my heart that I can take it with good grace. I want to explain about everything that scares me, even though I know what it says in Psalm 23. I want to explain about how I feel so far short of being deserving of Gods grace. I want to explain how I WISH I had more confidence to talk about Jesus. Even more confidence to go up and talk to people I don't really know.
Argh, there are just too many words.
I have come so far in a year. Thats not a remark out of ego, thats a merit on Jesus changing me. But I'm still so far from where I think God wants me to be. What steps can I take? What can I do? How do I.....get better?
"If you can worship Him in times of joy, then you can lean on Him in times of struggle."
Right now is a time of struggle. Maybe its trying to lean on Him thats making me feel guilty...but then I remember His promise.
"Come to me, all who are burdened , weary and in need of rest, and I will give you strength."
If I don't stop here I'm going to ramble on and on and on, I'm that tired. I'll maybe say more on all this when I'm coming off a decent night sleep, but I want to leave you with this;
"That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
Amen.
No comments:
Post a Comment