A few idle thoughts on Christmas night...

That last post was my 50th. How about that!

So yes, it is indeed Christmas day. I'm at home (at my parents in Manchester), which is lovely. I so rarely come back here now, and when I do its for so little time. I think in 2010 I'll have spent, in total, 3 weeks back here. So it's nice when I do come back, always conjures up good memories.

Christmas is interesting these days. Many of our family Christmases in the past have been spent with my dads side of the family, my auntie, uncle & cousins. Always fun as my cousin has been my closest friend since we were born. The years of spending Christmas day playing N64, and then Gamecube, then Championship Manager etc always seemed like great ways to spend the afternoon.

This year I'm with my family (mum, dad & brother), my auntie & uncle from my mums side and 2 very ageing grandparents. One of which struggled to understand what was going on today, the other of which snores. Loudly.

As much as I love my family, it's hard not to be a bit dead on an afternoon like this.

The format is standard: Get up, go to church, come home, open presents (lets be honest, it's just not as magical as it was when we were 10), prepare lunch, eat lunch, everyone falls asleep in front of the TV.

I may just be in a cynical mood, but today is supposed to be one of the most joyous days of the year. Not because of the simple fact that its Christmas, but as it's a celebration of the day that our wonderful Saviour was born. How can it be so lethargic?

Still, they've just gone home, bless 'em. It may be time to get toasted with mum & dad and enjoy the rest of the day.

This will probably my last post of the year, so God bless you, I wish you all a wonderful rest of Christmas, a happy new year and a wonderfully blessed 2011.

And I apologise for the cynicism. Christmas IS wonderful, it really is.

Much love.

Early resolutions...

I've never kept a resolution in my life. How long are they supposed to last? If they're only meant to last a few weeks, then I'm fine...but all year? Hasn't happened for me.

I made some epic ones last year. Im not sure they were technically new years resolutions, perhaps just things I set out to do. Lasted a couple of weeks but then lethargy crept in and I just bailed on them. My self discipline skills are lacking.

I've never been one to set silly resolutions about laying off the sugar or going on a diet (lets be honest, if I went on a diet I'd simply cease to exist). When I have made a resolution about something it's had to carry some weight, y'know, actually mean something or be of actual benefit to my life.

Now, I'm getting better with the self discipline stuff. It's coming slowly, but I am getting there. I keep hearing stuff only takes 2 weeks to become habit, (do something every day for 2 weeks, it sticks...apparently) but its really those 2 weeks I have trouble with. I should really make a run at this one though, 'cause its something I need to fix.

Reading the freakin' Bible.

Now, I do read the Bible quite a lot. But not daily. And not often for my own personal time or study. I read it because I work for a church and a huge amount of what I do involves the Bible. Now, thats not to diminish it's value to me. When I do manage to read myself, and read properly, I love it. I read a passage this evening, that I actually read at first yesterday, and it seemingly took about 24 hours to hit me properly (I'll post it at the bottom, it really is a stunningly beautiful piece of scripture), and those moments are great. Few & far between, but great.

I dont know why I neglect my personal reading. I know for sure I'd be a better man if I read it properly, every day. But I don't. Cause I'm an idiot. I read a quote the other day: "Hard work pays off in time, procrastination pays off RIGHT NOW." It's pretty true in honesty. I'm so easily content to piss away the time in the here & now, time that could be spent becoming a better person for my God. I've probably wasted some incredible opportunities because I've neglected my own personal growth & time with Him.

These things usually have a spark though right? What makes us suddenly want to change the way we operate...?

See, the last couple of days I've noticed my own weaknesses start to creep up on me. They are feelings I'm very familiar with, and they are not welcome. Anxiety, doubt, uncertainty, being unsure of things I know, feeling the need to meddle with things that I should just be content with.

These are the characteristics of a frame of mind that I'll look back on in the coming months and hate myself for. The old 'Who I Am Hates Who I've Been' line swings round on a regular basis, and rightly so. I've said before that if I can look back at myself over the years and be content that I haven't changed, I'll have done something wrong.

The future is bright at the moment. It's looking like there is some really good stuff around the corner, but...or perhaps because of that, I have to be ready for it. I say this far too often, but it's time to get it right, and really make it stick. This time it could be too important to waste.

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Ephesians 3:14-21 - Damn it's good. Reading it back now its suddenly massively relevant to me in this moment...

"When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen."

It's never easy...

Alrighty then...lets see where my heads at tonight then.

So many people would say it's so simple. Boy meets girl. Boy likes girl, girl likes boy. Sorted, right? What more is there to it? Part of me wishes it was that simple for me. Life is not always easy. Life as a Christian is rarely easy. Trying to build a relationship with someone with God at the center, as the foundation, as the most important part, is never easy.

Over the last few weeks and months, some events have been set in motion that I feel close to certain will carry for the rest of my life. I believe they'll define where I am, who I am & what I'm doing in 10, 20, 30+ years. I've been wrong before though...

I've never blogged directly about relationships before, not in a non-cryptic way, but right now this is something important going on, and as I didn't wake up till till half 2 this afternoon (I was working till 7am, waking up at half 2 was justified I assure you) my mind is very much awake and wandering. When it wanders, I write here.

This isn't a love story, though. I'm not here to pour out my emotion and/or how I feel about someone. I'm not a big fan of the touchy-feely loved up stuff, I don't write about those sort of feelings, it's not for anyone else to see, nor can I see any reason why anyone would be interested in it! I'm writing this because relationships between man & woman are, for many people, one of the most important things in life. I'm one of those people, I place value in those relationships, and thats why I'm writing this. Right now, this is important to me. Hence the headmash that is beginning to unfold before you...!


Some may not believe it, but I've grown up in the last 2 years (November marked 2 years since the end of my last relationship). Not long ago I found I was questioning myself; why do I want a relationship? Who's it for? 2 years ago my answer would have probably have been something like: I want someone to be there, I need that 'feeling' of being in a relationship. I want to be able to be someone that someone else relies on.

I mean sure, being in a relationship with someone who was a christian (as I was) was a bonus, but I'm not sure if it ever made a difference in how I acted or what I said. I never spent time praying with a girl for a relationship, etc. I just didn't think about it. "We're both Christians, thats what matters." Apparently not.

C.S. Lewis said something like...

"If we put first things first, we get second things thrown in. If we put second things first, we lose both the first and the second things."

I think I've said this before in a blog - We don't deserve anything. We are not entitled to grace, or  a roof above our heads, warm clothes, education, even relationships. At no moment will we ever be justified in being unhappy with God for not giving us what we want. We didn't deserve Jesus' sacrifice, but He died for us anyway. We have been given the gift of grace, to know God, to have a relationship with Him. Everything else (yeah, everything) is a blessing from God, they aren't things we can demand.

God comes first. And in his infinite love & majesty, he chooses to bless us with the little things that make life so wonderful. If we start to put those gifts, those blessings ahead of God himself, of course we will lose sight of whats important.

Relationships are no different.

I met a girl about 6 months ago, but didn't see her again till around 4 months ago. And since then, as these things sometimes go, feelings have slowly developed. (I'm sure you don't need details how these things happen...) The more we talked, the more things felt simply 'right'.

When we eventually had that talk, the terrifying one where you reveal to each other that you have 'those' feelings, it was a cold November evening, and I began to understand why I want to be with this girl, the real reason I believe relationships can be such a blessing.

It's not for me, or how it benefits my life. I want a relationship that brings glory to God. To serve together in a way that brings us closer to Him individually & together. I want to witness to those around me, and for the young people I work with to see that a relationship is not simply about boy meets girl - Everything is about God.

And I think, in time, we'll get there. We're not together yet, maybe we never will be, who can know Gods plans? Whats important right now is that God comes first. And if it is His will for this to happen, He must be at the centre.

No kidding though, thats tough. Really tough.

But as she told me, and I'm sure she wouldn't mind me saying, that if & when it does happen, it'll be grounded on months of prayer, seeking God and making Him the most important part.

Talk about building your house on the rock...