It's Been a While...

And that I apologise for. I've not felt very interesting for quite a while now, and I'm not overly keen on writing for the sake of it. I'd also rather not write a self pitying "THE WORLD HATES ME" type blog.

It's been a tough few weeks. Midyear deadline nearly killed me, and I was so far from happy with the end result that I'm actually frustrated.

See, I've pretty much lost my motivation to do anything at the moment. I failed hideously at my new year resolutions, but right now I'd be happy if I just got a bit of the fire - that drove me to make them - back.

When I sit down to work, no words come. When I'm preparing youth work sessions I've lost all my creativity. Even that buzz of emotion when I worship my God has numbed to a point where I barely feel it.


As usual, I cant explain it. Its probably all on me, my own lack of discipline, that I am the way I am right now.

No, not probably. It is all on me.

Heres what I fully dont understand though...I'm not working right now. If I were an analogue clock I would have a cog or two out of place. What I dont get is if I want to be fixed, why am I so unmotivated to work at mending myself?

Is it unnacceptable to just wait for God to pick me up again?

I wish I could just stand firm alongside God, instead of Him having to prop me up all the time.

I wish I could do my part.

I wish I wasn't so short-fallen in my thanksgiving.

I wish I didnt have to wish...

"Lord show me the way, as I give myself to you"

Below are the lyrics to one of my favorite songs at the moment. Have a read...

"I trust in you for life to live, and air to breath.
Purity fills my lungs.
I no longer live in solitude.
No longer bound.
My heart beats with great devotion.
This is the start to a new beginning.
On my knees praying for mercy.
Hands raised high, humble and broken.
Wanting your grace.
Wanting your security.
Memories of laying facedown, motionless, with such a hollow feeling inside.
Soon I would end this life I was living.
I am just a man with a heart and sinful hands.
I am a fallen victim.
Lord, show me the way...
I ask of you Father, let my words be your words.
Let my thoughts be your thoughts.
To you, I give my praise.
Show me the way. Take me in your arms. Never let me go.
Lord, show me the way, as I give myself to you.
Never let me go.
Hold me with your everlasting love.
Be my strength. Be my voice. Be my glory. Set me free..."

Arrrrghh so profound....now...have a listen...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JLI41hJ8MxM

Who said you can't praise with screams? = ]

They have always been there to brace your fall...

Y'know what. I am going to talk tonight. Mostly due to the fact that I went to bed, slept for an hour, woke up again and...well...here I am.

Odd personal fact: I'm at my most creative between the hours of 2am and 5am. This is when I write my best uni work, when I have the best conversations, etc. I dunno if its something about the late night that makes me more honest or heartfelt, its just the way it goes.

So, as previous blogs show, I'm not doin' so good lately. It's peculiar, and while I cant pinpoint exactly whats wrong, I think there are a few contributing factors.

Note: This is not going to be a constant whine, with me moaning about everything thats bad. Stick it out...

- Lot of work, very little motivation.

Journals, fieldwork, child protection, management and administration, etc. All this professional stuff I have to write about in order to be qualified as a youth worker. My heart for my work has always been, and more so lately, a genuine will to help young people know Jesus...not know the easter story, not know the true meaning of christmas, not know the bible stories, know Jesus. Thats J-E-S-U-S. That dude who breathed stars, clicked the earth into existence, filled it with everything we know, then became a mortal in His creation for the purpose of sacrificing His own pure life so that the dirt and the scum that filled the world could be made clean again through a relationship with the guy who started it all.

When I think about it like that, I really don't give a squirrels left nut to the idea of:

'we had an incident tonight where one of my volunteer youth workers left the room to go the toilet, and I spent 3 minutes on my own with 21 young people. I must take steps to ensure we have the correct number of leaders at each event so this does not become an issue in the future.'

Get me? Someone said in our lectures yesterday, that if they had to break child protection laws, to the extent that it would cost them their job, to ensure the safety of a young person in their care, he would do it in a heartbeat. Me too. If I'd rather act out of love than professionalism, does that mean I'm not going to be an appropriate youth worker? If so...guess I'm in the wrong place.

- Not many people to lean on...

This I struggle to talk about. I guess it makes me vulnerable, which is a little disconcerting, but I think I need to write about it.

I spend a lot of time on my own. So much, in fact, that I'm probably considered by a lot of people to be quite introvert. But honestly...like, really, really honestly, I'm pretty lonely a fair amount of the time, and I love to spend time with people. I love to chat, have "deep'n'meaningfuls", joke over a couple of pints, etc etc, you know the drills I'm sure.

For a while, there was someone I spoke to daily who helped me more than they know but, for whatever the reasons, circumstances changed and its different now. But thats fine...I guess what I don't quite understand is why I'm starting to feel lonely, or wanting the company of friends more now, when for the better part of a year, my life was no different to how it is currently (if anything, I'm closer now to my friends at uni, my brother, my parents, and some people I work with), and I was perfectly ok with it!

Some of this...well, a lot of this probably comes back to my relationship with God.

Matt Theissen wrote: "Loneliness and solitude are two things not to get confused, because I spend my solitude with You."

Now...Yes, totally agree there. My question is, if I was happy being 'alone', was it because of my relationship with God? Because since summer, my beliefs and my faith has taken such a surge forward just in terms of its day by day, minute by minute impact on what I do, how come I'm struggling more with being lonely now than I was before?

I think..emphasis on THINK, that because of this step forward I took, I now have the inevitable 'anything less than everything is not good enough' feeling. With my relationship with God, I expect more of myself than I did last year, and when I fall dramatically short of that, it hurts, cause He deserves more than what I'm giving. Does that make me feel I'm not doing my part to make a relationship with Him work? Maybe...anyway, I've deviated...

"The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord."

No, I'm not saying "GOD TOOK AWAY MY FRIEND *sadface*". I am suggesting, however, that for whatever reason things change in life, for better or for worse, the Lords name must always be praised, for without Him, I am nothing.

Does the starved man who hasn't eaten in weeks look the plate of food he's been given, look up and say "I don't like potatoes...get me something better."

It would be foolish for me to complain, no?

So what am I saying? Lets face it, God owes me nothing, its not my place to demand or expect anything from Him. But in a strictly earthly sense, I guess its hard doing everything on my own while I'm down here. I miss having a best friend.

This might seem harsh to some people who I genuinely love, and who support me through a lot. At the extreme risk of sounding sentimental, you do know who you are, I properly appreciate you, and I'm sure you know exactly where I'm coming from anyway.

But, for the time being, this is how it's going to be. Its not great, but I'm not complaining. If everything was always perfect, happiness would not be an emotion. God has always been there to brace my fall, theres not even the smallest bit in me that wants to give up on him now.

Bedtime reading?

It all seems so simple...

"So in everything, do to others as you would have them do to you, for on this rests all the Law and the Prophets."

Matthew 7:12

If I wasn't dying from lack of sleep, and if I didn't have a silly 7 days lined up, I'd love to talk more about that single verse.

But for now, just a simple thought. Could it possibly all be that simple?

"SIRRRR, ITS BROKE"

"Never is the enemy's cause more in danger than when a believer, who looks around too see that all traces of God in the world in which they live have vanished, asks why they have been forsaken...but still follow Him." - C.S. Lewis

Maybe its not that bad. I don't quite feel forsaken yet. I've seen better times. I guess some stuff is getting to me. 'Cause really...the world sucks. Everywhere I look, I find pain, injustice, the worst kind of lies. It's everywhere, and it just breaks my heart.

Chatting to a friend last night, he brought some stuff up that just made me want to be sick.

Take, for example, the 'pro-ana' and 'pro-mia' websites. Two sites for young girls that encourage to follow the gods 'Ana' & 'Mia', as they will provide true beauty. Worked it out?

Anorexia and Bulimia. These sites have thousands of girls 'committing' to lifestyles of intense eating disorders, believing that, as the website tells them, they will only be attractive when they are less than a size zero.

Ok, how about the billboards popping up at junctions. The slogan reads "The grass is always greener..."

New website thats started up, quite popular already. Its a dating site for married men and women who want to have an affair.

Seriously...what?!

This is scratching the surface. I've already blogged a bit about the frustrations I have with the 'false christians', the type that believe if someone is gay they have no right to know God, or the ones that will reject anyone who doesn't agree with them.

What about the people in the world that are happy selling children as prostitutes?

What about the people that are happy to force an 8 year old to work 14 hours a day in a brick factory for no pay?

It frustrates me that I'm blind to a lot of what God is doing at the moment. It doesn't help that, in all honesty, my relationship with Him sucks at the moment. It just seems I'm noticing all the worst things, everywhere. I'm sure...no, I know God is doing amazing things countless times a day, whether I see them or not.

The hard truth is this world is so flipping broken its silly. The fact there are pro-bulimia, pro-anorexia and pro-adultery people in this country is just the start. The devil is properly having his way with some things, and that pisses me off.

What gets me more, is I'm pretty sure satan is throwing everything he can at me to bring me down. He actually thinks he can have me.

Heres the punchline though, I've seen God. I could spend the rest of my life with nothing, never seeing another glimpse of His glory, and I'll still blindly obey Him before I give you anything.

So go for it. Bring it on. You'll only lose, and that will make you weaker.

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Apologies for the apocolyptic-ness there!

Word of advice, that I will try to follow myself; Keep your eyes open for the blessings. They might not be easy to spot, but they're there. It was Paul who said that, as Christians, we should be joyful in sorrow. And so I once again finish with the verse I am living my life by at the moment:

"That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

It's Monday morning, welcome to a fresh week. Make the most of it folks!

Edit: Lecture just started. 7 hours on 'Situation Ethics'. This could be a genuinely interesting day.

Edit 2: End of lectures, almost. All day on euthanasia...I'm not even gonna think about blogging on whats going round my head this evening.