Odd personal fact: I'm at my most creative between the hours of 2am and 5am. This is when I write my best uni work, when I have the best conversations, etc. I dunno if its something about the late night that makes me more honest or heartfelt, its just the way it goes.
So, as previous blogs show, I'm not doin' so good lately. It's peculiar, and while I cant pinpoint exactly whats wrong, I think there are a few contributing factors.
Note: This is not going to be a constant whine, with me moaning about everything thats bad. Stick it out...
- Lot of work, very little motivation.
Journals, fieldwork, child protection, management and administration, etc. All this professional stuff I have to write about in order to be qualified as a youth worker. My heart for my work has always been, and more so lately, a genuine will to help young people know Jesus...not know the easter story, not know the true meaning of christmas, not know the bible stories, know Jesus. Thats J-E-S-U-S. That dude who breathed stars, clicked the earth into existence, filled it with everything we know, then became a mortal in His creation for the purpose of sacrificing His own pure life so that the dirt and the scum that filled the world could be made clean again through a relationship with the guy who started it all.
When I think about it like that, I really don't give a squirrels left nut to the idea of:
'we had an incident tonight where one of my volunteer youth workers left the room to go the toilet, and I spent 3 minutes on my own with 21 young people. I must take steps to ensure we have the correct number of leaders at each event so this does not become an issue in the future.'
Get me? Someone said in our lectures yesterday, that if they had to break child protection laws, to the extent that it would cost them their job, to ensure the safety of a young person in their care, he would do it in a heartbeat. Me too. If I'd rather act out of love than professionalism, does that mean I'm not going to be an appropriate youth worker? If so...guess I'm in the wrong place.
- Not many people to lean on...
This I struggle to talk about. I guess it makes me vulnerable, which is a little disconcerting, but I think I need to write about it.
I spend a lot of time on my own. So much, in fact, that I'm probably considered by a lot of people to be quite introvert. But honestly...like, really, really honestly, I'm pretty lonely a fair amount of the time, and I love to spend time with people. I love to chat, have "deep'n'meaningfuls", joke over a couple of pints, etc etc, you know the drills I'm sure.
For a while, there was someone I spoke to daily who helped me more than they know but, for whatever the reasons, circumstances changed and its different now. But thats fine...I guess what I don't quite understand is why I'm starting to feel lonely, or wanting the company of friends more now, when for the better part of a year, my life was no different to how it is currently (if anything, I'm closer now to my friends at uni, my brother, my parents, and some people I work with), and I was perfectly ok with it!
Some of this...well, a lot of this probably comes back to my relationship with God.
Matt Theissen wrote: "Loneliness and solitude are two things not to get confused, because I spend my solitude with You."
Now...Yes, totally agree there. My question is, if I was happy being 'alone', was it because of my relationship with God? Because since summer, my beliefs and my faith has taken such a surge forward just in terms of its day by day, minute by minute impact on what I do, how come I'm struggling more with being lonely now than I was before?
I think..emphasis on THINK, that because of this step forward I took, I now have the inevitable 'anything less than everything is not good enough' feeling. With my relationship with God, I expect more of myself than I did last year, and when I fall dramatically short of that, it hurts, cause He deserves more than what I'm giving. Does that make me feel I'm not doing my part to make a relationship with Him work? Maybe...anyway, I've deviated...
"The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord."
No, I'm not saying "GOD TOOK AWAY MY FRIEND *sadface*". I am suggesting, however, that for whatever reason things change in life, for better or for worse, the Lords name must always be praised, for without Him, I am nothing.
Does the starved man who hasn't eaten in weeks look the plate of food he's been given, look up and say "I don't like potatoes...get me something better."
It would be foolish for me to complain, no?
So what am I saying? Lets face it, God owes me nothing, its not my place to demand or expect anything from Him. But in a strictly earthly sense, I guess its hard doing everything on my own while I'm down here. I miss having a best friend.
This might seem harsh to some people who I genuinely love, and who support me through a lot. At the extreme risk of sounding sentimental, you do know who you are, I properly appreciate you, and I'm sure you know exactly where I'm coming from anyway.
But, for the time being, this is how it's going to be. Its not great, but I'm not complaining. If everything was always perfect, happiness would not be an emotion. God has always been there to brace my fall, theres not even the smallest bit in me that wants to give up on him now.
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