Too much of me, not enough of you.

"Take my heart. I don't want it anymore."

I went to church tonight. I go to church alot. I work for a church. But tonight, as i've started doing a few times a month, I went to a church where I dont work. Don't get me wrong, I love my job and wouldnt want to be doing anything else, but at times it can be pretty hard to focus on God when you're paying so much attention to whats going on around you, who you might be offending, who you might be inadvertanly leaving out. Am I doing too much? Am I not doing enough?

So, it's nice to get away from it for an hour or two and spend time with God without needing to focus on anything else. And tonight, those words at the top are the ones I found myself speaking.

It sounds pretty dramatic, like stuff is bad. It's not, at all. I'm probably happier in general now than i've been for a long time, perhaps ever. I'm not broken, I dont feel lost or upset. It just dawned on me this evening how dangerously easy it is to let my ego, or whatever name you want to give it, take over my thoughts and actions.

Controversial as it may be, i think its easier to submit everything you are to God when you've reached rock bottom. Having been there, I know. When things are actually going well, we get confident, proud, and in my case, sloppy.

"Things are good, I dont need to pray!"

"Nothings wrong, I dont need to read the Bible!"

Ok, so I dont vocalize this, but i wonder if its what goes on subconciously?

Ultimately, I dont want to be responsible for all my actions. Cause when I think I can take the drivers seat, things will and do go wrong. Quite badly aswell.

That was my prayer tonight. Take my heart, God. I dont want it anymore. Sure, i'll give it a body to beat in, but please, you tell it what to do and where to go. I'm tired of my own mistakes.