Just...stop fighting!!

Hmmm...

Frustrating times.

More on that in a moment. I'm home! It's pretty cool to be back for a bit. The snow here has been mental (it was crap in London before I left), on the train up here on Monday it was stunning, white fields and stuff like that, was ace.

I went out in town last night...that was laugh. Saw some old friends, got to jump about and sang my throat sore which I dont get to do that often, so I had fun = ]

I was a bit anxious about going out, if I'm honest. Haven't been out since the middle of summer, and i've grown a bit more aware of where I go, what I do and what sort of example I set. I wondered if I should just avoid to this place...I know a lot of people there, some my friends, and I know there's stuff that goes on that's a bit hardcore.

Now there are people out there who will tell you to not associate yourself with this type of thing. I heard a guy preaching once who basically said surround yourself with good, christ-centered friends, as they are a good influence, and stay clear of friends who might 'drag you down'.

I don't agree.

While I think having Christian friends definitely holds value, to avoid the company of those involved in some of the darker things in life defeats the purpose of what Jesus came to do. And so I went out, and there was some dodgy stuff going on. I didn't go to judge, I didn't go to preach. I went out to see my friends. I'm sure some people would tell me I'm wrong for going somewhere that I know people are drugging up and, quite intentionally, drinking themselves to the throwing up point. Well, judge me then. I might not agree with the actions of some people, but It doesn't make me 'better', and if every christian is happy to stand outside the box and look at what goes on inside it, nothings going to happen. Did I change anyones life by showing up at a club? No. I kinda wish I was less scared of trying though.

Now....why am I frustrated?

I find it really difficult to relax into letting 'God's will be done'. I know the deal, I'm aware of everything I'm supposed to be, I know what I believe. I just struggle with some things. I've become a huge amount better at letting go, but I'm not there yet.

Now, there are some things which I'm now massively comfortable with, that a few months ago I'd have been kicking and screaming about, and on the other hand, there's stuff going on now that I'm too anxious about, where a few months ago I wasn't even thinking about it!

It's all very pathetic. Before Jesus was arrested to be crucified, he knew the fate that was waiting for him. He knew death was coming, and he sat down and prayed something like this:

"God, I don't want to go through this. I really don't. If there's any way that this doesn't have to happen, then stop it. But...your will be done. Not mine."

Man, I wish I could be more like Jesus. He's sitting there, waiting for death, 'Your will be done, not mine'. In comparison, the things I worry about are just ridiculous, and I struggle just to chill out and say "God...its on you. I'm sitting back."

I'm doing better than I was...but I'm not there yet.

Still frustrates me.