It's been a while...

I can be very cynical. I can be bitter, aggresive and rude.

I have'nt been for a while.

Strangely, the thing I'm most cynical about is the church I dont agree with. And holy poop theres alot about it that I dont.

I dont know where to begin here. This could either be an essay of me complaining, or a short burst about my night.

It's been a while since I've been able, or felt able, to sit down and rant about what I dont agree with. It takes a specific person, or a specific time/mood for me to start digging into the things I dont accept about modern christianity.

I went out with an old friend this evening, just to the pub. I dont see him often at all, but tonight it was well worth going out for. We ended up having a long discussion, interspersed with random reminiscings, about todays culture, the role of christians, westboro baptist church, the way of the master, the "christian voice" and many other things.

Some names there you may not know. (not a massive deal; westboro baptist church is a church in south USA who are quite extremist against homosexuality, general sin etc. Way of the master is an organisation who basically spend their time telling people they're going to hell if they dont repent NOW, etc, "the christian voice" is a UK website that strongly opposes similar things in Gods name) Point is, occasions are rare where I feel comfortable to explode. Tonight, for the first time in a couple of months, I felt comfortable to just get angry about these people.

I miss that. I miss being fired up. For a while, not too long ago, I was like that alot. I had a passion against these people, who in Jesus name claim to be doing the right things. I dont find myself so passionate anymore.

Its not just the obviously aggresive "christians" around the world. Its the ones on our doorstep. The people who claim to be a christian, but how much of that do they live out? How Christ-like do they try to be? Do they go out to make change? Or do they just keep their head down, avoiding confrontation and being scared of what might happen if they are discovered?

I'm scared I'm becoming one of these. I've stopped expecting the amazing. I've begun to plod, and in honesty, I hate it. I have some passion here...I want to see change, I'm just not prepared to go and make it happen.

That ends now.

EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED! CHANGE WHAT CAN'T BE CHANGED! STOP BEING A FAILURE!

This is how I feel right now. I dont want to hide. I dont want to shy from what I can do with God's strength. I want to change the world, even if its one person at a time.

I have to believe it can be done. I look at the culture I live in, the people around me and I want to break down in tears. There is so much hurt, so much brokenness.

There are people out there cotent to make it worse, assuming they're doing what is right. There arent too many who are prepared to go and change stuff for what is the truth.

I dont want to be lukewarm. I want to be on fire.

Its time to hit the frontline, time to make some change.

God help me though, I need some help getting there...

P.S. I'm sorry if this blog makes little sense. It's late, I'm tired, I might read it in the morning and wonder where it came from, but right now it's my heart laid bare. Thats why I started this blog.